An Open Letter: From the Perspective of a Struggling Writer

An Open Letter:
From the Perspective of a Struggling Writer

This. This is what I love. What I long to do with my life.

However, doing it and getting paid for it is a whole 'nother thing!

A thing which seems almost impossible. 

     I've been an avid writer for as long as I can remember; third grade to be precise. From my first book made out of poster boards to writing X-Files scripts saved on floppy disks to writing stick figure comics my friends and I called "Daily Horrors" to college where I really found out that this WHOLE time I was a writer . . . I've come to wonder why it seems to be so hard to write professionally; to do this as a career?

     Now, I know that I can go to school to be a journalist or a grant writer or other very specific forms of writing, but what I am, what I want to be paid to do is to write what I want to write. And I don't seem to know who to talk to about doing such a thing; I guess I don't know the right people. I'm told I must work, take care of my daughter, (struggle) and write in my "free time" and then continually pitch my (varied) writing to many publishers which can take months to even hear from in the form of a rejection!

525,000 Things Keeping me from Writing

                         

       


     So this is currently me . . . Doing 12 million things at the same time and almost none of it is writing anything that I actually want to write. Even after finishing my AA and BA I tried to get a good paying job, one worthy of my degrees. However, the best paying job I was offered was to sell tires at Firestone for $13/hr where they "preferred" you to have a BA. Yet, that $13/hr still wouldn't pay for both my living expenses and my student loans. --For the record, my AA and BA are both in Liberal Arts and Science with focuses in English, psychology, and sociology. However, I wrote most of the school paper at my community college and won awards for my research and creativity while working on my BA. I also self-published a novel and a poetry book. However, the publisher just prints your books and then people can buy them online or you can pay them to market it for you or put it into e-book format, etc.

The point here: I know of NO way to be PAID to write . . .
 what I WANT to write.

See this desk? It was given to my boyfriend by his parents, but he let's me use it.

However, it's primarily used for homework. 

                                      

See these cork boards -they're filling with ideas.
I have more writing ideas than I could ever have the time to actually write about.
Because I can't AFFORD to not work; to solely write. Because I don't have the contacts or a publisher who will front me money to take the time to write. The only way I've found that I can write is to pay an institution to "make me" write.

                  

 

See all of the things I get to read about and write about. None of it is me.

All of it's saying, "Fit into this tiny box that almost no one will look in."

     It's not what I want to write about. It's not what will set me apart.

It's not what will make my mark in this world.

But it's all I have. 

It's all I can afford . . . 

     It's what an institution wants me to read and how they want me to write and them telling me what and how to think -and I'm grading accordingly. I have to fit nicely into these little boxes of courses they've chosen to offer (which are slim at best) and designed in a certain way to measure my intellect. However, once I'm done reading and writing the way they tell me to I have to pay back thousands of dollars on top of my already barely-making-it bills. So, there goes any free time to write when I'm done with school and here's to two jobs!

     ^My expression for what bullshit that is.^ 

     It took almost 2 years to find a job that made (only $2 at that) more than what I made before I even started college . . . yet I had a whooping $450/month loan payment waiting for me. While I suck at math I do not think $2+/hr = $450/month. 

Minor 18 Year Setback

     Now, there is really one thing that limits me in my ability to relocate in hopes of better connections as that's typically everyone's suggestion: my daughter. She lives with her dad as he has custody; don't even get me started on that. Therefore I am here until she is 18 and goes off the college. Even then some people have already ridiculed me for thinking about moving elsewhere because I should "stay right where I'm at so she has a home to come back to;" as if I'm shunning her from my life? No. She will always have a place wherever I go! Even so, writing would be perfect because you can write from ANYWHERE!!! So long as I'm writing not for a job (which would most likely force me to relocate), but for myself. 

Why can't I be a Chuck Palahniuk?

Come on, you know him! He wrote Fight Club -any MANY more amazing novels.

He's even written a comic (that I wrote about for a class), Fight Club 2.

     Now I know from reading about him that even he has publishers who say, "No." and "You can do better." But at least he's afforded more freedom than I am and clearly he makes stacks more cash than I do. But how do I become a Palahniuk? A Stephen King? How did 50 Shades of Grey get picked up and now that author makes stacks of cash when I cursed throughout the whole first chapter about how terribly written it was -and NOW it's been made into a movie?!!? If all it takes is writing something like 50 Shades then I can do that! I can do better than that! But how!?

Blessing and/or Curse??

     I also have this blessing/curse thing going on -I can write about anything: poetry, short stories, novels, scripts, sitcoms, adaptations, research papers, etc. I need to find a publisher who wants it all. Who let's me do it all. Who embraces the creativity flowing through me and wants it to spill all over blank pages! I'm sick of reading about all of these great thinkers and writers and how they bent or broke the rules and how I should intensely study them and write about them, but told that I have to read, write, and think within this perfect little box . . . ?? 

People Don't Get It -What it's Like to be a Writer

     I need hours, days, months, to be distracted, to not have distractions, to write, revise, edit, engage with others, enclose myself into a cocoon of solitude . . . Too many times have I had great ideas that I've had to jot down and throw up onto my cork boards and say "Sorry pal, not today -or probably tomorrow either. Just sit there till I can get back to ya again! Boy your friend are dusty!!" Because I have work, and maybe other work, and class, and stacks of homework, and my daughter, and my boyfriend, and everyone wants me at their "special events:" birthdays, graduations, weddings, to BE IN their wedding(s), etc. 

     But oh, what joy would it be if someone said, "What are your current expenses? Here's a check. Write! I've got a publisher who's going to market this and we'll show the world what you've got to offer! I'll even get you a spot on Ellen!"

     Hey! There she is waiting for me. 

Oh wait, she's not, because I'm not anyone, because I have no connections, because I have so little time, and because things just don't work out like that for me.

Which brings me back to this face again: 

What's the point of this post?

     Who knows! Me to vent? to make connections? Hopeful that some rich bored person reading this and decides to invest in me? Maybe someone who's made it will have a connection and reach out to me? I don't know. But nonetheless it's helped me blow off some much needed steam . . . Off to finish reading a book that I'm not fond of so I can write scholarly about it and hope to get an A, but I'll probably get a B because the teacher is super hard. And let's face it, when you're told to do something you're not passionate about it's painstaking.  

Here's to a dream of a life that surrounds this:

Check Out:

(Facebook) Stephanie Hoover

(Facebook) Real Women of the Quad Cities

(Email Me) Raeliz12@gmail.com

(YouTube) Raeliz12

Books Published: My Post Life

Pretty Much Poems

Unpublished: Angie (a modern adaptation of Antigone)

And many, many more . . .

  

Being a Menacing Bitch is NOT a Good Hobby.....

I'd just like it stated that I Googled, "Menacing Bitch" and, first of all, Google was like, "Did you mean meaning bitch?" and I was like, "NO GOOGLE! I meant what I typed!!!" But Cersei Lannister, from Game of Thrones, popped up and I was like, "Yea. I meant her!" Sort of.....

Granted this woman isn't as bad as Cersei, but I feel like that's only because we're a more "civilized" society in comparison. If she could fuck her brother and have people murdered I bet she would! Now, I'm not a fan of woman on woman hate, but almost EVERY woman I know HATES this woman because she TATTLES on EVERYONE! Not only do I constantly complain that women never get to leave high school, but apparently some women never listen when they're little girls being scolded that TATTLING is BAD and to not do it unless someone's IN TROUBLE! 

*Note* I Googled "tattling" and then "adult tattling" and all I could find were pictures of little children and some teenagers so I had to Google, "gossiping" to come up with an image to portray what this woman does; sad.....

What's sad is I'm CONSTANTLY having conversations with kids about the difference between tattling and telling. I swear, this woman, in her assumed mass-amounts of spare time must've read the ENTIRE work handbook and now that she's finished reading it she must be like, "Hmmm, what to do now? Probably enforce every little mother-fucking rule....even if it seems stupid/bullshit and/or isn't obviously black and white." 

I have said it time and time again:

I know which rules should be:

Bent

Broken

and

Followed

It's simple really:

Is anyone going to be harmed?

Will anyone lose their job?

Will anyone go to jail?

Is it for the greater good?

Is it black and white?

Basic stuff, right?

But nooooooooooo! This woman finds something out and runs and tells on anyone and everyone. There are plenty of things I'd change if I were her; I don't think she does what's best in her job. Know what she DOES do?! Shit BY THE BOOK! NOTHING in her life is situational. NOTHING is grey. 

Hmmm...............??

Maybe she's a robot.

That would actually explain it. She's programmed to be by the book and doesn't understand humanity!!!

I just don't get it. What's the point? You really have NOTHING better to do with your life than to run to your boss every minute tattling on someone for some minuscule thing? It would be like telling on someone for drinking a soda instead of water or coffee. Or telling on someone for taking a longer break when they had to make an important phone call. Or telling on someone for wearing black tennis shoes with an accent colour on them when it's supposed to be solid black, but most of the shoe is covered by the person's pants. Or telling on someone for not having black shoes when the only way you can see their socks is if they're sitting down in front of guests; yet you're NEVER supposed to be sitting in front of guests because you literally can't. 

^Shit like that.....

Can't she take up a better hobby? Look...I found a FEW:

 

See woman!!!! There are SO many things that you can do without being a menacing bitch TATTLING for the most ridiculous things!!! PLEASE! Find a hobby!!! I felt bad when everyone complained about her. I thought that the one or two who complained about her must just clash with her, but FUCK! Yea. EVERYONE hates her....and now I see why. If you act like a brat, don't expect anyone to want to be around you. 

 

"Sorrow Only Increased with Knowledge”

People....occasionally....tend to not like me. Because...I'm, um, kind of a.....

↓

A Life of Correctness

This all really started taking off the beginning of this year. First, you might need a little background:

1. I grew up with a father who would say things like, "correct" instead of "right" because someone could say, "I turn left here, right?" and most people would reply with, "Right" and then they could become confused and think that the person was saying, "No, turn right" not that they were correct. 30 years and counting my dad still says, "correct" every time and that's the best way I can explain how my life to "correctness" began. 

2. I hated having someone say something to me that I FELT was wrong, but didn't know the facts to back up how and why I knew they were wrong.

3. I didn't know how to argue. As Nick Naylor said in Thank You For Smoking, "That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong." Well, I was sick of people like Nick Naylor, who just knew how to twist shit to work in their favor. I didn't want to be taken by people like him. I did, however, learn to argue like him, while being right. 

But HOW Did I Manage All of This!?

I WENT TO COLLEGE!!!

And no, not everyone needs to go to college. Some people can just incessantly read and read and read and read and read.....and read. But me, I'm the type of person who learns best by listening to someone, in fact many people (an entire class) and seeing things. I can't sit, in my own element, and read out of a book. Or watch videos. I NEED interaction. And more importantly I NEED to hear other people's opinions, beliefs, experiences, and learn about different cultures. All of this has to, for me, happen in person; interactive. 

SO! After FIVE YEARS of college (AA and BA in 

liberal arts and science: psychology, sociology, and 

English), as well as my many years of work experience and year of internships....and talking to an insanely diverse population (many who have become my friends) I've gotten to know a lot. And what I don't KNOW I find out. 

That's how my recent ex-boyfriend and I got into a fight...well, many fights. He said things like, "The heart, like, has two valves....one for pumping sodium and one for pumping potassium" and "I saw it in this YouTube video....I don't remember who said it or what it was called and they said something like this...." but my favorite of all had to have been when he said, "Well, maybe I don't want to know everything! So if I'm wrong just don't tell me. If I want to know I'll ask..." Yet every time he knew something his coworker said was wrong guess who he called so he could prove that guy wrong the next time he saw him..... This also lead to losing a friend, which, in all reality, the friendship was fizzling for a long time. She was one of those girls who not only white-lied to other people but MEGA-white-lied to herself so that she didn't have to face the cold hard truth like: she was an overbearing and SUPER-overprotective mom, she IS girlie, she wants every man to fawn after her, but wants to turn 95% of them away, some guys just didn't think she was anything special, she picked and chose when she was a good friend, she's superficial, and she's not very good at her hobby -that she tries to make a career. 

     ....why am I saying all of this now? Why didn't I tell her all of this stuff? Well, I did....I tried, in the nicest ways possible. Every time I tried to be open and honest she just shot me down and told me how that wasn't so. Not only with her, but with me. If I KNEW a guy wasn't interested in me I'd say so, but she'd just say, "Oh, no. He's just not ready for someone as mature as you." And I'd come back with, "No. I really think I'm just not the girl for him. No big deal. I'm a big girl."

But people don't want to know. She even said that you should only tell people they're wrong IF they want to know, otherwise you should just keep your mouth shut and let them think whatever they want. ---And we're not talking opinions here. We're talking about cold hard facts. So, sadly, she's a mother....and she's friends with my ex....so if he tries to help them with anatomy they're going to get F's on their papers about heart valves. 

I'd rather be a know-it-all than the alternative. My (MANY) friends love how intelligent I am and use me whenever they have questions. Cause you better believe that if I don't know the answer I know how to find out the answer. I'm the type of person who would rather have TOO MUCH information than not enough. It's just like writing a paper:

 

     You read 5 books

     You read 30 (scholarly) articles

     You watch 10 movies (and the extras)

     You interview 3 people

     ---Find as many OPPOSING views as possible; in order to debunk them and make your argument stronger

     

And then you take ALL of that information and compile it into a concise argument, or paper, and thus you are prepared. But, unfortunately, there are people....who constantly....ask me to write their papers for them and look up the information for them. They don't want to do anything but reap the benefits. Me, I want to grow and learn as much as humanly possible.

However, those who are ignorant don't see it that way. They are threatened by knowledge, especially if they're wrong. So, for me, most times, "Sorrow Only Increased with Knowledge” as it did for Frankenstein's monster. But man, when you find an intellect like you, *kaboom,* aren't you fucking excited to carry on a conversation!!! They never say, "I get it!!! Jeeze!" and then tell you "what you mean" and are WAY off. Nope. Not only do THEY GET IT, but they'll more than likely go off on a tangent or two or their own on the topic and how it can be seen from a different angle or how it connects to something else relevant.....it's amazing. 

That's Just the Nerd in Me....

And I LOVE it!!!

Men Vs. Women Relationship Talk

It's not a stereotype if it's accurate....

This is the kind of conversation my girlfriends and I have about new people in our lives; friends, significant others, and others like them:

Friend: So, how was the date?

Me: Great. He came over and we just vegged because we both had an insane weekend. He's cute, funny, respectful, nice, and has a lot going for him. We even talked about hanging out tomorrow and he brought up if all goes well and we continue to get along he's not going to see anyone else.


Friend: So clearly he's not afraid to talk about the future.

Me: Right. And he said that that didn't mean I'd have to only see him, but that's just how he works. 

Take note in what VALUES and such are being talked about as well as the language being used. It's the difference in saying, "He's fuckin' ripped, funnier than Adam Sandler (or another comedian you may prefer), he didn't call me a bitch or a hoe OR try to fuck me on the first date, and he's loaded!"  and what was said in the above mentioned.

___________________________________________________________

Me: So, a few new girls started today....

Coworker: What were they like?

Me: One used to work for a similar company, then did some independent work, and is now working with us. She's really nice and outgoing and asked a lot of questions. She has great energy and I think is going to be really great. The other girl was quiet, but really seemed to figure stuff out. I think you'll just need to tell her more how things work at our company, but she's good too. One works with us tomorrow and I'm not sure about the other.

Most guys have talked about other guys they interact with like this, "Ugh, this guy is such a fucking waste of money. He doesn't know shit and is always late and fucks up all of the time.....he's such a fucking tool." 
(guy introduces someone, male or female, to this douchey guy), 
"...this is Joe, he works with me. I told you about him." 
Then they chat like they're best fucking buds and as he walks away he begins talking about what a fucking douche he is. What's worse is when these guys hang out all the time.....*sigh*

___________________________________________________________________

This is a conversation I witnessed between two men:

Man #1: This new girl, man, let me tell you, the sex....amazing.

Man #2: Yea? Awesome!


*some form of: fist bump, high five, etc.*


Man #1: And, the best part....she likes watching me play video games!


Soooo.....at your wedding, I shall toast, "I remember when he first told me about how happy he was that the sex was good after they'd met three days prior and how excited he was that she enjoyed watching him play video games. It was THEN that I knew they'd be together forever. He was just so....taken....with these superficial and juvenile things about her. I'm so glad this is how they started off! Cheers!"

Also....what's she going to say when she hears, "Hi. You must be ____insert name here____. Man #1 has told me so much about you. What position do you like and which is your favorite video game to watch him play?"

*girl gives me a confused, nasty look*

"Well, it's just, he told me how great the sex is and how what he likes best about you is that you actually like watching him play video games....so what are you two going to name your babies he's going to assume isn't going to hurt you to have; since it's "not that bad?" 

____________________________________________________________________

Man #1: My girlfriend wanted to go out to eat at ____(insert place here)____ and she got pissed at me when I said, "I'm not going there and spending a ton of my money on that food because you always get half way through and say that you hate it."

Me: And you're surprised she got pissed at you?

Man #1: What? That's how it always happens!

Me: So you couldn't have nicely said something like, "Their food is okay, but I feel like shortly into eating it you (the 'audience you') regret it half way through. How about another place tonight?" or, "I'm not feeling ____(insert place here)____, what about ____(insert place here)___?" "Mmmm, maybe. How about you name 5 places and we'll compromise?" 


OOOOOOOR you just fucking go and grin and deal with it!!!


I've gone to plenty of places with my boyfriend, friends, daughter, and family that I wasn't too keen on. At that, I've gone to places we've all agreed upon and one of our meals wasn't great or we weren't happy with it and still shrugged our shoulders and said, "You can't always win. Eating out is a gamble." 

I mean, what about when you go out to a specific place for ONE specific item and they're out? Shit happens. 

____________________________________________________________________

I don't give a fuck if you talk about a booty call like, "Omg, I love fucking her. She is so sexy and the things she does to me....damn." and what not....but if you're talking about someone you ACTUALLY care about, have some fucking respect for them.

One of the best men I ever met was asked about the girl he was dating and "what she was like.....ya know....like THAT" and if he had sexy pictures to show off. The guy responded with, "Sorry dude, that's for me and it's between us."

POINT BEING:

Do not say anything about someone you're 

not comfortable with being said to his/her face! 

-friends, enemies, significant others, bosses, 

children, parents, siblings, other family, and 

any-goddamn-one else I forgot about.

Why Are Some Women So Mean To Each Other?!

     I remember back in the day when I was that happy, outgoing, spark of light that welcomed anyone and everyone into the group. It didn't matter if it was at school, dance class, work, my home....anywhere! I knew what it felt like to be new or left out or the quiet one afraid I'd say the wrong thing so I never wanted anyone else to feel that way. Also, when people are new anywhere I tend to be the information center/tour guide. I give people the DL and teach them the tricks so they will (hopefully) not get yelled at for stupid stuff and best yet:

I NEVER MAKE THEM FEEL STUPID FOR ASKING QUESTIONS!  

     But, unfortunately , not everyone is so nice. Especially when you work with a bunch of women. And being one for 30 years now it seems that women are either super inviting and nice or they seem to FUCKING HATE YOU. The ones that "...seem to FUCKING HATE YOU" are the ones who act like you stole their boyfriend, wore the same shirt on purpose when (you feel) they look better than you, made you lose your job, or even threw acid in their faces. 

     What's worse is when you're the new girl and women band together. No, you don't have to like everyone. No you don't have to care about everyone. BUT when you are forced to interact on a regular basis it would be superb if women (who act like they FUCKING HATE YOU) would just be cordial to you whilst you have to interact together. I've worked with women who were doing everything in their power to get me in trouble (because let's face it ladies....1/2 of the women in this world never seem to leave high school....and that's something men just don't understand.) and I've just had to brush it off, double check what I'm doing, talking to my managers when they question me about something; fortunately most managers know my work ethic well enough to say, "I'm pretty sure you didn't do this, but this person is saying...." 

     I don't need to be everyone's best friend, but I try to smile at everyone I pass, I try to talk to people about their lives, even women in the break room at work, the waiting room at a doctor's office, while I'm out walking here and there through town, at a game, at a movie, shopping....to women who I rarely see -or don't even care to be friends with....but I'm still around them, so why not make the most of it?!

     If someone's rude, offensive, did wrong you in some major way, then fine, don't be best friends, in fact, you probably THEN have the right to FUCKING HATE HER, but if she hasn't merited this incessant hate, then do her and everyone a favor and just be fucking nice!!

     There are some women I love, because they've welcomed me into their lives, despite what any other woman may have done to them in the past, and there are also women who have just been nice to me without needing to become BEST FRIENDS just because we interact together on a regular basis. But unfortunately for me, there are also some women who make me frown and even dread my day because they're either mean without a reason or they just don't seem to want to be inviting; which makes my day drag on forever and weighs me down no matter how hard I try to not let it. 

*sigh* Isn't it sad when you need to talk to adults like children??

I'll Give You $125 for the Vintage Terminator please?

A friend posted this: 

I'm a sucker for old metal machines

To which I commented:

Me too. I'd probably buy a Terminator and risk it killing 

me just cause it's a vintage murdering machine.

^^ Check out my sweet photoshop skillz ^^

Real Women: of the Quad Cities

Please vote once per day for this organization to win a $25,000 grant!!

They're trying to change the perception of body image within society and want to be able to get an office and hire staff and interns! =)

Check out the replications of these pictures that society says women should look like with the pictures of local Quad Cities women without photoshop.

http://smallbusinessgrant.fedex.com/Gallery/Detail/81287e0a-b2eb-44e3-a8cc-ebb8b4df92ca

http://smallbusinessgrant.fedex.com/Gallery/Detail/81287e0a-b2eb-44e3-a8cc-ebb8b4df92ca

http://smallbusinessgrant.fedex.com/Gallery/Detail/81287e0a-b2eb-44e3-a8cc-ebb8b4df92ca

http://smallbusinessgrant.fedex.com/Gallery/Detail/81287e0a-b2eb-44e3-a8cc-ebb8b4df92ca

http://smallbusinessgrant.fedex.com/Gallery/Detail/81287e0a-b2eb-44e3-a8cc-ebb8b4df92ca