Love -It Hit Me Like a 2x4

Love -It Hit Me Like a 2x4

    But it took 6 months for me to get my head wrapped around it.

   So a little under a year ago I met this guy. He's unlike any guy I'd dated before, but he seemed to be everything I was looking for. He was funny on a level that you'd only expect to see on a sitcom and cute in the most perfect way for me; very guy next door, not Abercombie gorgeous, but nerdily cute with life in his eyes and a sweet smile.

   We started talking via email and text at first until he dropped by my work because the company I worked for in his town didn't have what he was looking for. I could have, but didn't, looked up to see if what he ended up buying his store actually had or not, but I didn't care. It was a sweet excuse to drop in and catch me off guard. Although, because I didn't have time to prepare for him my face got all red and I was all smiley and girlie stupid because of it! -I guess it was for the better because that means I like a guy.

   So our first date was at Old Chicago and then we planned on going to a movie after. Apparently the movie was a contingency plan for if we weren't hitting it off. As much as I liked him, I like movies A LOT!!! I was a little sad that we weren't going to the movie, but if it meant he liked me I guess it wasn't all bad! And I LOVED the way that he told stories. We told our worst date stories and his started with, "So it started with my parents trying to kill me....." and I was hooked. He told stories like I did -entertaining and completely off the wall!

   He brought me two strawberry shakes while we were "talking" and it was always when I was completely overwhelmed and stressed. It made my day SO much better! I even lost a book that I needed to have 100 pages read for by the next day and he sent me 3 different formats of it so I could at least keep up with my class till my new copy arrived in the mail. I was so used to guys trying to BUY my affection, but he solved my problems with more practical methods that didn't involve buying me and my friends iPods and iPads and gaming systems, etc.

   So our second date was at a bar for trivia night with my friends. I was so busy with work and school that this was the best way to spend time with everyone I wanted to and to also have something fun to do other than the typical dinner and a movie. Needless to say, my friends LOVED him!! One even asked if it was okay if they became BEST FRIENDS! So we walk out to our cars, unfortunately I lived with my sister at the time and her and her husband didn't allow me to have friends over (fabulous since I'm a GROWN WOMAN!!!), but it was their house and I had to respect their rules even if I never gave my sis rules when she lived with me. My friend lived a block away and didn't have a car, so I was driving him home. I walked my guy to his car and we chatted, but I saw that one of my friends was waiting by my car for some reason and it was just weird to kiss the guy in front of my friend, just hanging out, waiting, watching us. So I did the kiss on the cheek and hug thing and we went our separate ways. then my friend puts out his arms for a hug good-bye. I was like, "Ugh, no!" because I wasn't going to hug and kiss on the cheek the guy I'm dating and hug my male friend I see almost every day! It didn't seem fair to my date! I hug people I rarely see. The only people I hug daily are....um, my daughter!

   So, what happened that we didn't end up together you ask?? Well, I've come to realize recently that I've never had a REAL relationship. I thought I'd had one about 3 years ago that last 3 months, but considering that we only got together for dinner with our children ONCE and it was more him coming over after work and tucking my daughter into bed and us chatting and sleeping together -meeting each other's folks once, I guess it was a very high schoolish relationship. The only other "real" "long-term" relationship I've had was with my daughter's dad -and I don't count that because I left him every other month because he was a dick and a liar and cheated on me with my two friends while I was asleep in the other room. We were only together THAT long (1 year and a few months) because I was having his baby, I figured I'd try to make it work, but gave up shortly after our daughter was born. He hasn't seemed to change over the years either!
   With that said, I guess I just haven't been used to how real (traditional) relationships work. I have a very Breakfast At Tiffany's complex where I feel like if I let someone love me that I'm being caged. I'm not free. I'm trapped and can't do what I want, go where I want to go, and that all of my decisions will become OUR decisions. I don't like feeling back into a corner and that's how I feel in relationships -the closest I've gotten to being in one. So needless to say I wasn't as sweet and lovely and reassuring as I could have been and he felt like he was an obligation and basically we blew up on each other. I was really stressed with starting my 4-year college too. My community college classes did not prepare me for these upper level classes and they kicked my ass! I did well though! 2 A's and 2 B+'s and I even won an award for an adolescent novel/play I'd written an updated version of and will be having published soon!

   But....I lost a great guy which took me SIX months to figure out. It just hit me, after I'd dated a few jerks, losers, stupid guys, arrogant guys, etc. that this previous guy was that one in a million and I BLEW it! I TOTALLY BLEW IT because god for-fucking-bid I let someone love me and be sweet to me! I wanted to simply apologize to him. I would have liked him to give us another shot. Not that we got all the far the first time, but still. I saw he had a girlfriend, but that didn't deter me from wanting to apologize. However, he had his account set up so that you could only message him if you were friends with him and I didn't have his number or email address and he lived out of town and I didn't have his address to write him or anything! So I asked to be his friend on FB and waited. Nothing...for months. Not till he broke up with his girlfriend and accepted my request. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't want my apology to seem like it was just a way to get into his good graces or that it was only in hopes of dating again so I put it off for a little bit and was waiting to see if he said anything to me -asking why I wanted to be his FB friend or something. -NOTHING!

   So finally, a few weeks to a month later I sent him an apology letter, explaining why I acted how I did and told him I knew that it wasn't an excuse, but just it wasn't for NO reason. Nothing, not for a month and a half. So I decided to send him another email asking if he'd want to hang out again and I didn't know how he felt in regard to me, but I told myself the same thing I tell my friends -The worst that can happen is he doesn't want to talk to you and you continue on with your life without him, just as you have for the past 9 months! As they say, it is not the things you did in life which you regret, but those that you did not. --Plus I totally accidentally hit on an engaged guy this summer so I was pretty sure my ego could take it!

   Well, as it would turn out, he's single, he wants to hang out again, and as my night has progressed we are going to spend the weekend together and see is we don't ax each other in the face [inside joke]. I know that I constantly complain that what I hate about guys is that they claim to like me A LOT, but always seem to give up pretty damned easy. Which makes me feel like they didn't really give a shit about me if they're not going to fight for me! FOR US! So I was like, the hell with it! I'm going to fight for HIM! I'm going to fight for US! If we're not going to work I want to know that we didn't work for a reason better than my pride and McFly complex! [McFly Complex: I just, can't, handle, that kind, of REJECTION! -Back to the Future reference.]

   He's insanely handsome -in my book. Super funny -definitely my sense of humor, which people usually have a hard time keeping up with. Smarter than me, so I'll definitely learn a lot from him, but can stand my own ground on the subjects I know a lot about. He's kind and sweet and has a daughter a few years younger than mine and I hope wants to have a few more kids. He has his head on straight and his shit together. He loves oldies [music] and I'm hoping I've finally found my guy who will dance to oldies with me in my living room as we laugh at how stupid we are.

   I know that we'd only been on two dates, talked for countless hours, and it's almost been a year since this, but I really...really see this being the one guy I can really fall for who isn't trying to play me or doesn't know what he wants, but claims he does. OR! We could spend two days together and ax each other in the face and make the news! We'll see.

   For those who know me, it's rare for me to be....I don't want to say in love...but quite so taken with someone. I realized recently that I'd forgotten that the man who I was going to possibly marry some day would have to be able to make me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe. Not just once or now and again, but all the time. Someone who was playful in all of the ways I wanted him to be, but also a gentleman and adult when it was called for.

  Let's just say that when we both made similar American Psycho reference jokes I asked him if it was too forward of me to ask him to marry me. I don't know how there could be someone better for me out there. Cross your fingers guys. This is VERY RARE for me. People aren't going to know how to take it!

-Stephanie
 
 

My Term Paper On Rape

The Following was my term paper from my Gender of Society class at WIU in the Spring of 2012. I received an A, but more importantly I came across what's known as the Sexual Social Exchange Theory which I've been obsessed with ever since. I had seen this myself over the years and told people that because of this very theory I hated dating and refused to let men buy things for me. One guy bought me a HUGE gift and years later he said this to me, "That was a pretty awesome present. I should've gotten sex for that. Or at least head." And that was the very reason I hated men buying things for me or doing things for me. I knew it was only so that I would sleep with them. These were my findings from the research I did for my paper.

Rape

By: Stephanie Hoover

Dr. Nancy A. Schaefer

May 3, 2012

Soc. 360

            Some people argue that rape as a whole is very black and white as well as simple to define, however the following research will state the contrary.  The complexities of rape will start with the legal definition of rape, which is still being altered to this day, as well as how anyone, female or male, single or married, may fall victim to rape, as well as how one’s perception of dating, according to the sexual social exchange theory, may or may not justify the act of rape in today’s society.

Since the issue of rape has come about the very definition seems to be continually changing. The legal definition of rape is when a person uses force, or the threat of force, to have some form of sexual intercourse (vaginal, oral, or anal) with another person (Schaefer 2012). Bonthuys explains why rape was defined as an act that could only happen to women, “The majority judgment’s discussion of the common law definition of rape was prefaced by an acknowledgment that, in the past, the crime served patriarchal interests and aimed ‘to protect the economic interests of the father, husband or guardian of the female survivor of rape, to perpetuate stereotypes, male dominance and power and to refer to females as objects’’’ (Bonthuys 251).  This is due to the fact that the U.S. has stemmed from a patriarchal society where women were not only seen as unequal, but as property of men. Though this very idea is not something new, it has been around quite some time; in Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus Titus asks the emperor of Rome, “Was it well done of rash Virginus| to slay his daughter with his own right hand,| because she was enforced, stained, and deflowered?” to which the emperor responded with, “It was…Because the girl should not survive her shame,| And by her presence still renew his sorrow” (Titus Andronicus 187). Titus’ daughter was raped to hurt him, because a woman wasn’t seen as her own person, but the property of the men in her family. Furthermore Bonthuys’ definition of rape states that rape is not simply an act of sexual gratification, but one of physical domination. It is in this domination that men are trying to prove that they are more powerful than women and that men can do and take what they will because their society dictates that they are the supreme gender (Bonthuys 251).

Though, Bonthuys shows that not all people have a clear definition of what they conclude rape to be. Rumney and Morgan-Taylor distinguish two opposing perceptions about the nature of rape: ‘one views rape as an inherently gendered act: something men do to women’ while the other views it as ‘a violation of the bodily integrity of male and female persons’ (Bonthuys 253).  One definition holds very strong on the patriarchal view, while the other shows that rape is not only a woman’s problem, but one of dominance on all persons. It seems that since our society is still slowly shifting from a patriarchal society to an equal gender model people think that men cannot be raped just as women can.  According to Bonthuys this idea of broadening who can be labeled a victim of rape is slowly changing, but only as the society changes from the old patriarchal definition of rape and onto more of a new definition in which women are seen more as equals in power putting them on equal ground to be victimized (253).

This brings me to the next point that not only can women be victims of rape, but men can also. When the majority of people hear “rape” they instinctively think of a man raping a woman such as Rumney and Morgan-Taylor’s first definition of rape: what men do to women. According to Bonthuys there was a dispute in simply defining rape. The biggest problem in the Masiya judgment was whether the current South African definition of rape “non-consensual penetration of a vagina by a penis” should be altered to include anal penetration of both female and male victims since men can also be victims of unwanted penetration (Bonthuys 249). The rise in men being raped seemed to stem from rape in prisons, but this also applies to younger boys who were continually being bullied; perhaps sexually assaulted as well; this is why the change in the definition was so important. Currently the definition in the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences and Related Matters) Amendment Bill [50B-03], which is currently before Parliament, followed the Law Reform Commission proposal to widen the definition of rape to include ‘‘causing penetration by body parts other than a penis and penetration by objects” (250). This not only protects men under the term rape, but it doesn’t limit rape to insertion of a penis; which broadens the scope so that women can also be deemed perpetrators of rape if that be the case.

Changing the definition is just one small step, the bigger problem that persists is now that men are included in the definition will they report their rape? According to Renzetti and Curran men are less likely than women to report that they have been raped because men are supposed to be able to defend themselves and it’s still seen as emasculating for a man to be “taken” (or raped) just like a woman (Renzetti and Curran 281). This makes it even more difficult for gay men to report a rape, because much like women, people may say that these gay men secretly wanted to be “taken.” Bonthuys stated that two judges deliberated on the matter of including men in the definition, but finally came to the conclusion that rape traumatizes male victims in the same way as it does women and that the definition should be extended to protect men as well (Bonthuys 250-251). Where many still seem to view rape as merely a crime against women, Bonthuys indicated that the minority of judges deliberating on changing the definition grasped the concept that the groups of men who are most often the survivors of rape are: young boys, prisoners, and homosexuals; who are, like women, also vulnerable groups in society. Moreover these groups are raped precisely because of the gendered nature of the crime. They are dominated in the same manner and for the same reason that women are dominated; because of a need for male gender supremacy (254).

            This idea of male gender supremacy has stemmed from another common myth of rape: marital rape. Marital rape is thinking that just because two people are lawfully wed means that the wife is the husband’s property and he may do with her (sexually in this case) what he will (Renzetti and Curran 283). Similarly, according to Duarn, Moya and Megias’ article titled “Benevolent Sexism and the Justification of Traditional Sexual Roles,” they first defined sexism in their research about marital rape as a prejudice toward women defined by hostility; which could easily be transferred as hostility toward young boys, prisoners, and homosexuals in the case of men (Duarn, Moya and Megias 470-471). Their research shows that there are a few different kinds of sexism, the main one of which this paper will be focusing on is hostile sexism. Hostile sexism (HS) is regarded as a negative and derogatory attitude toward women who are viewed as challenging men or usurping men’s power” (471). Renzetti and Curran seem to agree with this definition in stating that martial rape is a brutal physical assault that may have a graver impact on a victim than rape by a stranger (Renzetti and Curran 283). According to Bergen (1996) and Campbell & Soeken (1999) the rape of someone close being more harmful than a stranger is because given the assailant is a person whom she knows and loved as well as trusted it can be more damaging in her trusting other people whom she knows and loved (283). This idea is mirrored in Duarn, Moya and Megias’ research stating that if the victim was raped during an act of infidelity (an episode conveying that the woman was not behaving as a good wife should) then it was not seen as rape, but as the wife not doing her duty (470).

Though, in a patriarchal society, with women still fighting to stand on equal ground with men, according to Bergen marital rape is any unwanted intercourse or penetration (vaginal, anal, or oral) obtained by force, threat of force, or when the wife is unable to consent (Duarn, Moya and Megias 471). This states that just because a man and woman are married consent is not given nor does the man have rights to force intercourse on his wife. Comparatively according to Finkelhor & Yllo and Peacock in the recent past, it was commonly known and agreed upon that once married a woman lost the right to refuse sex since marriage granted the husband full access to the wife’s body (471).

What’s troubling is that according to many studies in the area of sexual violence it’s shown that as the victim–offender relationship becomes more intimate, the attribution of blame to the victim increases (471). This means the more someone knows their rapist the less likely it will be seen as a “true rape” and the rapist could easily argue that it was more consensual than what the victim claimed and get away with the crime. This makes it more difficult for married women to claim rape because according to this study it is considered that this distorted perception of rape in marriages may be supported by the perception of marital rights and marital duties related to sexuality (472).

Along those same lines Darcy McMullin and Jacquelyn W. White state that dependent upon how well the victim knew the rapist the victim may be more reluctant to label the incident as rape than if she were raped by a stranger (McMullin and White 97). It’s also specified that the victim may shy away from labeling what happened to them as rape due to how much physical force or restraint was involved (97). Here it’s shown that rape is not as easily labeled as one might label a thief of robbing them; there are so many variables in which people, men and women, do not see rape as so black and white.  McMullin and White also point out a woman’s failure to identify a rape committed by an acquaintance or boyfriend as rape may be due to her experience not fitting her script of rape (McMullin and White 97). This is due to what Renzetti and Curran label as “one common rape myth” in which the woman may have felt she was too inviting to call what happened assault (Renzetti and Curran 281). This gets even more complicated as it’s explained that the victim must show emotional as well as physical trauma for what happened to be labeled as rape (281).

This brings up the final point and what is now being coined as “gray rape” or as Susan A. Basow and Alexandra Minieri’s research refers to it as the “sexual social exchange theory.” This theory was applied to perceptions of a date rape by manipulating the cost of the date and who paid in vignettes presented to 188 U.S. college students, who then rated the characters’ sexual expectations, blame, responsibility, and rape justifiability (Basow and Minieri 479). This means that when men paid for an expensive date he expected sexual intercourse in return, whereas when a women paid for half of (even an inexpensive) date more women agreed that there should be no sexual expectations (479). The more women are seen as objects and not as equals to men, the more justified men feel in “getting what they paid for.” It’s stated in sexual social exchange theory (Baumeister & Vohs, 2004) that female sexuality is assumed to have exchange value (such as for money, support, protection), whereas male sexuality is viewed as relatively worthless (480). This theory suggests that a man’s sexual coercion may appear relatively more understandable in dating situations in which he feels he is “owed” something for his efforts; similarly, a woman who has accepted his offerings may be perceived as “owing” him something as well (480). Again, this is not a new theory, according to Shakespeare’s Titus Andronicus the queen’s two sons are squabbling over whom should “have” Titus’ daughter, Lavina.

“Why makes thou it so strange?| She is a woman, therefore she may be wooed;| She is a woman, therefore she may be won;| She is Lavina, therefore must be loved” (Titus Andronicus 110).

 Though what they had in mind had little to do with love they still spoke of Lavinia as if she were a fish which just needed be lured. According to Renzetti and Curran this idea that women owe something to men is not only a problem for people whom are dating, like in the sexual social exchange theory, but it’s also problematic for acquaintance rape, marital rape, and even in upholding the rights of prostitutes and drug addicts who have experienced rape as well (Renzetti and Curran 282-283).

The biggest problem in the case of the sexual social exchange theory seems to be that men and women see dating just as differently as they use language differently. The sexual social exchange theory may be an unspoken component of dating scripts, in which men are more likely than women to think of a first date in sexual terms, especially when the date is initiated by a man (Morr Serewicz & Gale, 2008). In contrast, women view first dates more in romantic social terms than do men (Basow and Minieri 493). Also women’s liberation has seemed to confuse men into thinking that “she wants it just as bad, but know she isn’t supposed to.” In Basow and Minieri’s findings they stated that men may have believed Katie’s “no” was not meant seriously but was part of what a woman was supposed to do on a date to avoid appearing too sexually available (493). This shows why when many women say no men think it’s just part of what women are “supposed to do” or say to not seem so “easy;” this way she can say she said no, but eventually give in to what she really wants.

With the seemingly never-ending variables there are in defining rape the evidence shows that one must first come to a solid, reliable definition of what rape is while not being too narrow to exclude any one person from being able to claim rape if it so occurred. The Women’s Rights movement also helped in making marital rape illegal by showing that just because one is married it does not make one person another’s property. Also just because one misinterprets someone else’s body language, dress, or actions as being inviting of sexual intercourse when someone says “no” it means “no;” no gender excluded.  

Works Cited

Basow, Susan A., and And Alexandra Minier Minieri. "''You Owe Me'': Effects of Date Cost, Who Pays, Participant Gender, and Rape Myth Beliefs on Perceptions of Rape. "Journal of Interpersonal Violence 29 (2010): 479-97. Web.

Bonthuys, Elsje. "Putting Gender Into The Definition Of Rape Or Taking It Out?." Feminist Legal Studies 16.2 (2008): 249-260. Academic Search Premier. Web. 13 Apr. 2012.

Duran, Mercedes; Moya, Miguel; Megias, Jesus L.. Journal of Sex Research, Sep/Oct2011, Vol. 48 Issue 5, p470-478, 9p

McMullin, Darcy, and Jacquelyn W. White. "Long-Term Effects Of Labeling A Rape Experience." Psychology Of Women Quarterly 30.1 (2006): 96-105. Academic Search Premier. Web. 13 Apr. 2012.

Renzetti, Claire M. and Daniel J. Curran. 2003. Women, Men, and Society. Allyn and Bacon (5^th ed.)

Schaefer, Nancy. "Gender, Power, and Violence." Gender, Power, and Violence. Western Illinois University, Moline. 2012. Lecture.

Shakespeare, William, and Eugene M. Waith. Titus Andronicus. Oxford: Oxford UP, 2008. Print.

People -I Get 'Em....

Sizing People Up

Sooo, I'm pretty good at telling if I'm going to get a long with someone or not. I am a good judge of how people are perceiving me through their facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, etc. With that said, it usually takes a few meetings, because (and this is the reason why I hate dating) people don't act like themselves. They act like who they think you want them to be.

Now, what sucks is, I know a few people who aren't so god at this. They never know when they've gone too far or when they're intruding or imposing. These are the same people who don't understand why they didn't get a promotion or "the girl" or didn't see "the breakup" coming!

Books

If you don't know how to read people, pick up and book and READ about READING people! My favorites are: Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps, What Every Body is Saying, and Why Men Don't Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. I don't really recommend Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I kind of knew most of the stuff in there, but if you're ignorant to most, then maybe it'd be a good start. I also loved The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pick-Up Artists. Obviously is was about picking women up, but it was very interesting, informative, and intriguing.

School

I also know a lot because of psychology and sociology classes. If you're in school and you need some random classes to stack the credits take some classes in those fields. I also LOVED my criminology class as well because we learned a lot about who would commit a a crime and why and it dealt a lot with human behavior as well -just in reference to crime!

Shows

I'm also big into the show Lie to Me as well. It's very informative.

Interviewing

If all else fails, do what I do -TALK TO PEOPLE! Ask questions! I have been in the sex-questions-stint with my friends. Male or female, young and old, sex questions. Have you done, why won't you, would you, have you been asked, it is normal....I've asked past boyfriends, friends, acquaintances, you name it! Not only is it bringing my friends and I closer, but I'm learning so much more from everyone's different perspectives.


The more you know about people and how they work the easier it will be to deal with them. Although, there are a few people, with all of my learning and wisdom, who I canNOT figure out for the life of me. I don't get them and I do not know why they do what they do or how....ugh. It's enough to make me crazy. But I still consider it a learning experience.