Love -It Hit Me Like a 2x4

Love -It Hit Me Like a 2x4

    But it took 6 months for me to get my head wrapped around it.

   So a little under a year ago I met this guy. He's unlike any guy I'd dated before, but he seemed to be everything I was looking for. He was funny on a level that you'd only expect to see on a sitcom and cute in the most perfect way for me; very guy next door, not Abercombie gorgeous, but nerdily cute with life in his eyes and a sweet smile.

   We started talking via email and text at first until he dropped by my work because the company I worked for in his town didn't have what he was looking for. I could have, but didn't, looked up to see if what he ended up buying his store actually had or not, but I didn't care. It was a sweet excuse to drop in and catch me off guard. Although, because I didn't have time to prepare for him my face got all red and I was all smiley and girlie stupid because of it! -I guess it was for the better because that means I like a guy.

   So our first date was at Old Chicago and then we planned on going to a movie after. Apparently the movie was a contingency plan for if we weren't hitting it off. As much as I liked him, I like movies A LOT!!! I was a little sad that we weren't going to the movie, but if it meant he liked me I guess it wasn't all bad! And I LOVED the way that he told stories. We told our worst date stories and his started with, "So it started with my parents trying to kill me....." and I was hooked. He told stories like I did -entertaining and completely off the wall!

   He brought me two strawberry shakes while we were "talking" and it was always when I was completely overwhelmed and stressed. It made my day SO much better! I even lost a book that I needed to have 100 pages read for by the next day and he sent me 3 different formats of it so I could at least keep up with my class till my new copy arrived in the mail. I was so used to guys trying to BUY my affection, but he solved my problems with more practical methods that didn't involve buying me and my friends iPods and iPads and gaming systems, etc.

   So our second date was at a bar for trivia night with my friends. I was so busy with work and school that this was the best way to spend time with everyone I wanted to and to also have something fun to do other than the typical dinner and a movie. Needless to say, my friends LOVED him!! One even asked if it was okay if they became BEST FRIENDS! So we walk out to our cars, unfortunately I lived with my sister at the time and her and her husband didn't allow me to have friends over (fabulous since I'm a GROWN WOMAN!!!), but it was their house and I had to respect their rules even if I never gave my sis rules when she lived with me. My friend lived a block away and didn't have a car, so I was driving him home. I walked my guy to his car and we chatted, but I saw that one of my friends was waiting by my car for some reason and it was just weird to kiss the guy in front of my friend, just hanging out, waiting, watching us. So I did the kiss on the cheek and hug thing and we went our separate ways. then my friend puts out his arms for a hug good-bye. I was like, "Ugh, no!" because I wasn't going to hug and kiss on the cheek the guy I'm dating and hug my male friend I see almost every day! It didn't seem fair to my date! I hug people I rarely see. The only people I hug daily are....um, my daughter!

   So, what happened that we didn't end up together you ask?? Well, I've come to realize recently that I've never had a REAL relationship. I thought I'd had one about 3 years ago that last 3 months, but considering that we only got together for dinner with our children ONCE and it was more him coming over after work and tucking my daughter into bed and us chatting and sleeping together -meeting each other's folks once, I guess it was a very high schoolish relationship. The only other "real" "long-term" relationship I've had was with my daughter's dad -and I don't count that because I left him every other month because he was a dick and a liar and cheated on me with my two friends while I was asleep in the other room. We were only together THAT long (1 year and a few months) because I was having his baby, I figured I'd try to make it work, but gave up shortly after our daughter was born. He hasn't seemed to change over the years either!
   With that said, I guess I just haven't been used to how real (traditional) relationships work. I have a very Breakfast At Tiffany's complex where I feel like if I let someone love me that I'm being caged. I'm not free. I'm trapped and can't do what I want, go where I want to go, and that all of my decisions will become OUR decisions. I don't like feeling back into a corner and that's how I feel in relationships -the closest I've gotten to being in one. So needless to say I wasn't as sweet and lovely and reassuring as I could have been and he felt like he was an obligation and basically we blew up on each other. I was really stressed with starting my 4-year college too. My community college classes did not prepare me for these upper level classes and they kicked my ass! I did well though! 2 A's and 2 B+'s and I even won an award for an adolescent novel/play I'd written an updated version of and will be having published soon!

   But....I lost a great guy which took me SIX months to figure out. It just hit me, after I'd dated a few jerks, losers, stupid guys, arrogant guys, etc. that this previous guy was that one in a million and I BLEW it! I TOTALLY BLEW IT because god for-fucking-bid I let someone love me and be sweet to me! I wanted to simply apologize to him. I would have liked him to give us another shot. Not that we got all the far the first time, but still. I saw he had a girlfriend, but that didn't deter me from wanting to apologize. However, he had his account set up so that you could only message him if you were friends with him and I didn't have his number or email address and he lived out of town and I didn't have his address to write him or anything! So I asked to be his friend on FB and waited. Nothing...for months. Not till he broke up with his girlfriend and accepted my request. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't want my apology to seem like it was just a way to get into his good graces or that it was only in hopes of dating again so I put it off for a little bit and was waiting to see if he said anything to me -asking why I wanted to be his FB friend or something. -NOTHING!

   So finally, a few weeks to a month later I sent him an apology letter, explaining why I acted how I did and told him I knew that it wasn't an excuse, but just it wasn't for NO reason. Nothing, not for a month and a half. So I decided to send him another email asking if he'd want to hang out again and I didn't know how he felt in regard to me, but I told myself the same thing I tell my friends -The worst that can happen is he doesn't want to talk to you and you continue on with your life without him, just as you have for the past 9 months! As they say, it is not the things you did in life which you regret, but those that you did not. --Plus I totally accidentally hit on an engaged guy this summer so I was pretty sure my ego could take it!

   Well, as it would turn out, he's single, he wants to hang out again, and as my night has progressed we are going to spend the weekend together and see is we don't ax each other in the face [inside joke]. I know that I constantly complain that what I hate about guys is that they claim to like me A LOT, but always seem to give up pretty damned easy. Which makes me feel like they didn't really give a shit about me if they're not going to fight for me! FOR US! So I was like, the hell with it! I'm going to fight for HIM! I'm going to fight for US! If we're not going to work I want to know that we didn't work for a reason better than my pride and McFly complex! [McFly Complex: I just, can't, handle, that kind, of REJECTION! -Back to the Future reference.]

   He's insanely handsome -in my book. Super funny -definitely my sense of humor, which people usually have a hard time keeping up with. Smarter than me, so I'll definitely learn a lot from him, but can stand my own ground on the subjects I know a lot about. He's kind and sweet and has a daughter a few years younger than mine and I hope wants to have a few more kids. He has his head on straight and his shit together. He loves oldies [music] and I'm hoping I've finally found my guy who will dance to oldies with me in my living room as we laugh at how stupid we are.

   I know that we'd only been on two dates, talked for countless hours, and it's almost been a year since this, but I really...really see this being the one guy I can really fall for who isn't trying to play me or doesn't know what he wants, but claims he does. OR! We could spend two days together and ax each other in the face and make the news! We'll see.

   For those who know me, it's rare for me to be....I don't want to say in love...but quite so taken with someone. I realized recently that I'd forgotten that the man who I was going to possibly marry some day would have to be able to make me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe. Not just once or now and again, but all the time. Someone who was playful in all of the ways I wanted him to be, but also a gentleman and adult when it was called for.

  Let's just say that when we both made similar American Psycho reference jokes I asked him if it was too forward of me to ask him to marry me. I don't know how there could be someone better for me out there. Cross your fingers guys. This is VERY RARE for me. People aren't going to know how to take it!

-Stephanie