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Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Day #1- Almost over
Day #1- Almost over
This is my new sweater. I bought it at Maurices today. It was maybe $30, then one sale for $24.99 and then clearanced...It's an XL or XXL, but it looked so comfy I couldn't pass it up. It ended up being $6-$7, so go me, right? I ought to have something go right for a day that went so wrong.
My mom saw the few pictures I posted of the two new, huge, comfy shirts I bought for cheap and said that I looked so sad. I told her, "It's because I am!"
I have this rare gift where if I spend enough time with someone, a few hours to a few days, that I can pretty much figure them out -in regard to certain things. Like how I can just tell who in the "relationship" is going to like the other more. I can tell when someone's trying to impress me opposed to them being themselves. I can tell when someone's desperately trying to buy or even win my affections. I can tell time and time again when someone's hitting on me...even if they persistently tell me they're not.
Unfortunately for me, I can tell these things, and then I bring them up to the person I'm dating and they persist to tell me that the things I'm telling them aren't so.....until they finally catch up with their feelings and then what I foresaw, happens.
Today has been the longest day of my life...and I know that in the future there will be days just as bad, if not worse. I remember being in labor with my daughter -longest 11 1/2 hours of my life [then].
I just really thought that this was it. I finally found someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. I just knew that he was worth anything and everything and that no matter how fucked up he thought he was [not drugs or anything, like, Sheldon Cooper -BBT- smart so he didn't think like everybody else] it'd make me love him just the same; if not more.
Not to go all romance-movie on you, but it was kind of the same thought process as The Notebook, where Noah knew that his and Ali's lives weren't going to be easy and they were going to butt heads, but they loved each other and couldn't live without each other.
No, we were nowhere near that....but I was on that track. too bad for me he derailed. For him, like with everyone else, I just didn't matter enough. I wasn't worth it. He didn't have the "energy" to try and make it work....after all, we live 45 minutes to an hour away. Don't take into account the few times I offered to drive to see him. Don't take into account the many times I would have offered to go see him, but I didn't want to seem too eager.
Like Fall Out Boy said, and I borrowed, "You say my name like it's something secret..." He didn't want to tell his friends that we were talking again because if it didn't work out he didn't want to have to explain it all. Which is funny, to me, because I have SO many more friends than him and I told them all....a hundred times. And now I have to tell them all, a hundred times, that his "heart's just not there" and that he and I "logistically" don't work.
Logistically? Fucking really? Maybe that's why we didn't work...because I didn't fit into his perfect scientifically brilliant life...because you can't calculate life; believe me, I've tried. Yes, there's probability and you can hypothesize all you want, but at the end of the day life truly is what you make of it. I know I would have made him mine.
I guess what really peeved me off with this whole thing is how he claimed he didn't have the time for me and that any time he had would go first to his daughter. Well, the first Saturday he hadn't talked to me since Tuesday, but a text after I told him I caught my hand on fire at work was him telling me that things were calming down a bit there and that was about it. Then I saw that he checked into a movie theater and then dinner out of his own town...Then he doesn't talk to me for a week and two days....the following Tuesday he goes to dinner with his friends like they always do, then Saturday he checks in at another restaurant -but I was supposed to be okay with that because he went there with "work people."
This whole time I'm avidly trying not to "bug" him by telling him that I miss him. Or sharing my happy moments with him. Or sharing my upset moments with him. Or communicating with him in any way possible, because otherwise I guess I was pestering him. I texted him once about every 2-3 days....and one was to show him a sexy outfit I recently got. -nothing. Not a goddamn word. I was supposed to sit in the corner and be a good little fucking girl and leave him be.
I told him time and time again that I knew I was an obligation....that I felt like an obligation....how shitty it felt to know that we were just "seeing" each other and I wasn't important enough to "date." Again, that I was something secret.
I tried to be there for him, by not being there, as best I could. No text, "I miss you too! Just a week and a half. Talk soon!" No call for a half hour to see how my hand was....not 10 minute chat on his way home from work. No picture message or an "xoxo" good nite. Nothing. He said that I said I'd give him two weeks where we didn't talk. I said, "No! I said I'd give you two weeks where were probably wouldn't see each other or barely talk!" I'm so fucking sorry that you knew I liked you, that you knew, because I told you that I liked you a lot and that I was just WAITING for you to ask me to be your girlfriend.....
What? You didn't know? HOW?! How couldn't you know? I TOLD YOU THIS! I told you every feeling I felt, when I felt it, and why I felt it, and how I was interpreting what you were doing or saying or not doing or not saying....why? Because the last time we dated we didn't communicate enough and we took things each other said or did or didn't say or didn't do the wrong way. So yes, I wanted to make sure there weren't going to be any misunderstandings.
Well, finally my FB message after him not talking to me for a week and almost 3 days aggravated him enough to end it. To end it in the most polite "I can't help it" sort of way. He's too busy. He doesn't have the energy to make it work. We live too far apart. His daughter comes first. Logistically we won't work. His heart's just not there. He's not as attached. He's probably getting a promotion which will mean he's busier....
.....but....if he sees me on the streets of his town he'll say hi. And we can eve go to dinner together and chat...platonically, of course. But I'm amazing. I'll find someone out there...because this one girl that he dated and broke up with....the NEXT guy that she dated, she ended up marrying!! -You know, I think I heard about that! Um, it was called Good Luck Chuck!!
So now here I sit, wondering why I'm so sad about someone who basically hardly had a care for me in the world....how I KNEW what was going to happen, but I decided to hope for the best and do as he said, "Take it one day at a time. Cope. Relax." etc.....Each day that I fell for him more and more he grew away from me more and more.
There was disappointment with the others....let down for sure. But this one was different. I don't know. I've liked him for a year. Thought I fucked it up by not making enough time for him when he had time for me. I was going to change everything this time. I was going to -I did- put him first. I sacrificed sleep, friends -they understood, I worked so hard to make things go right this time....but it wasn't work. Not for me. I was excited to text him, to call him, to see him, to kiss him, to brush my fingers through his hair, to listen to the music he wanted to share with me, to hear his stories....to be his girl.
What's worse...I was making this amazing present for him...that I started the beginning of January, hoping to finish it by his birthday -mid March. I asked him for his address so I could send it when I was done. He asked, "You're still going to make that?" I said, "Just because we're done doesn't mean I stop liking you." But he wouldn't give it to me then. He said he'd give it to me later. I told him it'd just hurt more later, I'd like it now. Nothing....maybe he thinks the worst of me? Maybe he thinks I'll just show up at his door step with a boombox in a trench coat? I guess if he thinks I'm that kind of girl then it's a good thing we're not together?
It's not something I was to keep. It's not something I can give to anyone else. It's for him. Or at least, for his daughter...I wasn't just doing it because I was with him, I was doing it, making it, because he inspired me to do so. That's another reason why I liked him so much. He was that person who inspired me, without directly telling me, to create. Now I'm just going to have to hold on to this, thing, until he gives me his address, which when he does will only break my mending heart. The heart that I've tried so hard to keep tucked away. I slipped a little here and there with him -probably too much. It's because, just in case, if things did work out, I wanted to fall in love with him, opposed to keeping myself too guarded like last time.
As stated in my favorite movie, "I would have loved you forever....why isn't love enough?"
But now I'm done. I don't know how anyone does it. Falls in and out of love....I can't do it. I just can't take the pain. It's excruciating. And as I said to him, "If I would have spent the amount of time on my writing as I have on dating in the past 4 years, I'd be so much further along...." I'd probably have averaged 4-5 books per year, instead of wasting my time trying to balance my and someone else's feelings. No, I am not that person who says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" because if you haven't loved, then you don't know what you're missing. Yes, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is your new best friend. Sometimes ignorance can save your heart. Can save face. Can save a soul. No, it's not recommended in all aspects, but for this one...would've been the best option for me.
Now here I sit...in my sadness...trying to smile. Knowing the pain will fade. Waiting for that heart-stopping moment when our paths will eventually cross again and trying to not think of what might have been.
Well, here, I killed an hour. Only one more left, till the longest day of my life, thus far, is over. Oh, let's not forget, this is hard on him too. Yea, hard because you feel bad for making me sad. I know how it feels to be you -I've been you. I much more prefer your shoes...
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Can't I Just Win One??
Please Don't Let it be Over Already....
Ugh. How could this happen to me? I mean, I guess since it's me it could only happen to me. I just thought it would happen some other way...maybe we'd not have sexual chemistry or his daughter would hate me or his friends would say I'm not good enough for him -or they liked a previous girlfriend better or I'd not be smart enough or pretty enough or witty enough (ha, that could never happen....) or maybe he couldn't do the distance thing for that long or maybe he wants me to wear a bunny suit and he dresses as a carrot and bunny-me bangs carrot-him? ANY one of those I've thought could be a possibility in IC guy and I ending. And hell, technically we've not even begun. We're just "seeing" each other. Ugh.
Seeing Each Other
So, here's the sitch just in case you haven't read my previous blog: IC guy and I met a year ago and dated for eh, a month or so....and at that we talked quite a bit (more than we do now I feel) and went out on two dates. Things were going well, but I always fall fast and hard, because, well...it's great to get caught up in those moments. Those are the euphoric ones where it feels like you're living your own dream or your fairy tale has actually come true -who knew?! Well, I was getting the feeling he liked me more than I liked him, despite my tendency to fall, and he freaked me out in saying things like he wished I was there to cuddle with him, etc. because I'm like, "Ugh, we haven't even kissed yet and I'm not at the stage where we lay all lovey-dovey with one another until our breathing is in sync." So I took it how it usually went and assumed that he was completely enamored with me and planning our wedding [which I'm totally doing as we speak =( damn shoe on the other foot syndrome!!] and I did what I normally do and I pushed him so hard it broke him. -not like, hurt his feelings, but pissed him off. You know those ecards and such on FB with the guy throwing the papers in the air like he's over that shit??? Yea, that's kinda what he was like, but with me and trying to pull affection out of me....
So, I eventually mustered up the lady balls to contact him again and start talking to him again. Then after he wasn't taking my bait I just drained the freaking lake and told him I missed hanging out with him and that eventually turned into me telling him I liked him, liked him and now we're [kind of] back to where we were a year ago (except a month sooner).
Present Day
Eventually we got together and finally had our first kiss and had a GREAT time together! For the following weeks to come I kept bitching about how sucky my friends were to not tell me to knock off being myself and that I had an AMAZING guy who was PERFECT for me and I'd better dial "me" down a notch -or twelve! if I wanted to keep this one. We try to hang out a couple weeks later, because he'd made all these plans prior to me coming back into the picture and of course it was the holidays....oh well....I'd waited MONTHS, what would be a couple more weeks right?? [HELL, THAT'S WHAT!!!]
--Here's where you're thinking everything going to go downhill right? Nope. Not quite yet! Not even sure it's downhill just yet even...--
So he's supposed to come down one evening, but it snows....damn nature, keeping us apart. He tries to come down, but he's just slipping and sliding and it just wasn't in the cards. Ya know? So I just, *throws papers up in the air -fuck it- and walks away* I find something else to do to keep my mind off of him and wait to reschedule our next hangout.
--Mind you, we're still just "seeing" each other. Which means we're not even dating, which is WELL before possibly being his girlfriend....*props head up with hand and takes a deep breath* And here I am writing Mrs. IC Guy in my notebooks and all o_O --
Stephanie Curve
Our second hangout gets cut a little shorter because of both of our jobs, but somehow it worked out that both of our jobs kept us a bit longer so really neither of us waited on the other! Score! Again, another GREAT night with IC Guy!! His great night turned into a GREAT day....which turned mine into a nerve-racking week (possibly month) to come.
You know how everyone has that dream job they're striving for? Mine's my sitcom deal, but I know that I'm far from that because clearly I'm still working on the storyboard and the pilot. But apparently he was offered his dream job THAT MORNING [of our 2nd "date"]. Great right? NOPE! Well, not for me. Superb for him! But this amazing career of his is going to take him about oh....13ish (plus or minus) hours away from one another. And CLEARLY we're not that far in our relationship to where he'd stay for me or ask me to go with him. Sure, he's got his daughter to figure out in this scenario, but seeing as how we're just "seeing" each other I know that this means that yet again, we're going to end just as we're beginning.
Ugh....
Ugh. Why does this stuff happen to me? I finally found someone who is just as amazing and astounding as I [think I] am. And all the stories he tells me about his ex's I'm thinking, "Psssh, I've got this!" But then again, he's not jumping at me like he seemed to be the first time around. Which means he's definitely the one on the fence about us, whereas I'm totally on board waiting to break the champagne bottle and set sail while he's carefully assessing what this journey is going to entail so he doesn't have to work up a contingency plan involving jumping into a lifesaver and waiting to be rescued out in the middle of the ocean [the ocean which I'll probably end up crying if he leaves!!!!]
I think what bothers me the most is that this happened after our second hang out....which after our second hang out last time is when everything went kinda, bleh.
I just want for [fucking] once things to work out. I have been ready to date, be someone's girlfriend, for the past 4 years -which is a long time when nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens.....and finally I find someone who is just, perfect for me and now I'm worried it's going to end before we even get a chance to start.
I'll Find Someone Better!!
You know how we all have that supportive friend who pats you on the back and says, "You'll find someone better!" Well, I have MANY friends who do that....and let me tell you, THEY'RE LIARS!! I will find NO ONE better than IC Guy. It's just not possible. Now I may find someone who's smart or who's attractive or who's funny or who's resourceful or who's a great father or who will bring me strawberry shakes now and again.....but I can guaroon-freaking-tee [that's just how I say it out loud, not how it's actually spelled] that I will NEVER find a guy quite like IC Guy.
Just as I hope people that some guys feel they'll never find someone quite like me (in a good way!).
Ugh. He makes me so happy. He brings out the best in me. He inspires me. He pushes me; he makes me want to achieve success. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I love his eyes and his hair; and the way he plays with it [his hair] and brushes it back out of his face -even though it's not in his face! In the words of IC Guy.....Blarg.
Can't I Just Win One??
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