Day #1- Almost over
This is my new sweater. I bought it at Maurices today. It was maybe $30, then one sale for $24.99 and then clearanced...It's an XL or XXL, but it looked so comfy I couldn't pass it up. It ended up being $6-$7, so go me, right? I ought to have something go right for a day that went so wrong.
My mom saw the few pictures I posted of the two new, huge, comfy shirts I bought for cheap and said that I looked so sad. I told her, "It's because I am!"
I have this rare gift where if I spend enough time with someone, a few hours to a few days, that I can pretty much figure them out -in regard to certain things. Like how I can just tell who in the "relationship" is going to like the other more. I can tell when someone's trying to impress me opposed to them being themselves. I can tell when someone's desperately trying to buy or even win my affections. I can tell time and time again when someone's hitting on me...even if they persistently tell me they're not.
Unfortunately for me, I can tell these things, and then I bring them up to the person I'm dating and they persist to tell me that the things I'm telling them aren't so.....until they finally catch up with their feelings and then what I foresaw, happens.
Today has been the longest day of my life...and I know that in the future there will be days just as bad, if not worse. I remember being in labor with my daughter -longest 11 1/2 hours of my life [then].
I just really thought that this was it. I finally found someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. I just knew that he was worth anything and everything and that no matter how fucked up he thought he was [not drugs or anything, like, Sheldon Cooper -BBT- smart so he didn't think like everybody else] it'd make me love him just the same; if not more.
Not to go all romance-movie on you, but it was kind of the same thought process as The Notebook, where Noah knew that his and Ali's lives weren't going to be easy and they were going to butt heads, but they loved each other and couldn't live without each other.
No, we were nowhere near that....but I was on that track. too bad for me he derailed. For him, like with everyone else, I just didn't matter enough. I wasn't worth it. He didn't have the "energy" to try and make it work....after all, we live 45 minutes to an hour away. Don't take into account the few times I offered to drive to see him. Don't take into account the many times I would have offered to go see him, but I didn't want to seem too eager.
Like Fall Out Boy said, and I borrowed, "You say my name like it's something secret..." He didn't want to tell his friends that we were talking again because if it didn't work out he didn't want to have to explain it all. Which is funny, to me, because I have SO many more friends than him and I told them all....a hundred times. And now I have to tell them all, a hundred times, that his "heart's just not there" and that he and I "logistically" don't work.
Logistically? Fucking really? Maybe that's why we didn't work...because I didn't fit into his perfect scientifically brilliant life...because you can't calculate life; believe me, I've tried. Yes, there's probability and you can hypothesize all you want, but at the end of the day life truly is what you make of it. I know I would have made him mine.
I guess what really peeved me off with this whole thing is how he claimed he didn't have the time for me and that any time he had would go first to his daughter. Well, the first Saturday he hadn't talked to me since Tuesday, but a text after I told him I caught my hand on fire at work was him telling me that things were calming down a bit there and that was about it. Then I saw that he checked into a movie theater and then dinner out of his own town...Then he doesn't talk to me for a week and two days....the following Tuesday he goes to dinner with his friends like they always do, then Saturday he checks in at another restaurant -but I was supposed to be okay with that because he went there with "work people."
This whole time I'm avidly trying not to "bug" him by telling him that I miss him. Or sharing my happy moments with him. Or sharing my upset moments with him. Or communicating with him in any way possible, because otherwise I guess I was pestering him. I texted him once about every 2-3 days....and one was to show him a sexy outfit I recently got. -nothing. Not a goddamn word. I was supposed to sit in the corner and be a good little fucking girl and leave him be.
I told him time and time again that I knew I was an obligation....that I felt like an obligation....how shitty it felt to know that we were just "seeing" each other and I wasn't important enough to "date." Again, that I was something secret.
I tried to be there for him, by not being there, as best I could. No text, "I miss you too! Just a week and a half. Talk soon!" No call for a half hour to see how my hand was....not 10 minute chat on his way home from work. No picture message or an "xoxo" good nite. Nothing. He said that I said I'd give him two weeks where we didn't talk. I said, "No! I said I'd give you two weeks where were probably wouldn't see each other or barely talk!" I'm so fucking sorry that you knew I liked you, that you knew, because I told you that I liked you a lot and that I was just WAITING for you to ask me to be your girlfriend.....
What? You didn't know? HOW?! How couldn't you know? I TOLD YOU THIS! I told you every feeling I felt, when I felt it, and why I felt it, and how I was interpreting what you were doing or saying or not doing or not saying....why? Because the last time we dated we didn't communicate enough and we took things each other said or did or didn't say or didn't do the wrong way. So yes, I wanted to make sure there weren't going to be any misunderstandings.
Well, finally my FB message after him not talking to me for a week and almost 3 days aggravated him enough to end it. To end it in the most polite "I can't help it" sort of way. He's too busy. He doesn't have the energy to make it work. We live too far apart. His daughter comes first. Logistically we won't work. His heart's just not there. He's not as attached. He's probably getting a promotion which will mean he's busier....
.....but....if he sees me on the streets of his town he'll say hi. And we can eve go to dinner together and chat...platonically, of course. But I'm amazing. I'll find someone out there...because this one girl that he dated and broke up with....the NEXT guy that she dated, she ended up marrying!! -You know, I think I heard about that! Um, it was called Good Luck Chuck!!
So now here I sit, wondering why I'm so sad about someone who basically hardly had a care for me in the world....how I KNEW what was going to happen, but I decided to hope for the best and do as he said, "Take it one day at a time. Cope. Relax." etc.....Each day that I fell for him more and more he grew away from me more and more.
There was disappointment with the others....let down for sure. But this one was different. I don't know. I've liked him for a year. Thought I fucked it up by not making enough time for him when he had time for me. I was going to change everything this time. I was going to -I did- put him first. I sacrificed sleep, friends -they understood, I worked so hard to make things go right this time....but it wasn't work. Not for me. I was excited to text him, to call him, to see him, to kiss him, to brush my fingers through his hair, to listen to the music he wanted to share with me, to hear his stories....to be his girl.
What's worse...I was making this amazing present for him...that I started the beginning of January, hoping to finish it by his birthday -mid March. I asked him for his address so I could send it when I was done. He asked, "You're still going to make that?" I said, "Just because we're done doesn't mean I stop liking you." But he wouldn't give it to me then. He said he'd give it to me later. I told him it'd just hurt more later, I'd like it now. Nothing....maybe he thinks the worst of me? Maybe he thinks I'll just show up at his door step with a boombox in a trench coat? I guess if he thinks I'm that kind of girl then it's a good thing we're not together?
It's not something I was to keep. It's not something I can give to anyone else. It's for him. Or at least, for his daughter...I wasn't just doing it because I was with him, I was doing it, making it, because he inspired me to do so. That's another reason why I liked him so much. He was that person who inspired me, without directly telling me, to create. Now I'm just going to have to hold on to this, thing, until he gives me his address, which when he does will only break my mending heart. The heart that I've tried so hard to keep tucked away. I slipped a little here and there with him -probably too much. It's because, just in case, if things did work out, I wanted to fall in love with him, opposed to keeping myself too guarded like last time.
As stated in my favorite movie, "I would have loved you forever....why isn't love enough?"
But now I'm done. I don't know how anyone does it. Falls in and out of love....I can't do it. I just can't take the pain. It's excruciating. And as I said to him, "If I would have spent the amount of time on my writing as I have on dating in the past 4 years, I'd be so much further along...." I'd probably have averaged 4-5 books per year, instead of wasting my time trying to balance my and someone else's feelings. No, I am not that person who says, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" because if you haven't loved, then you don't know what you're missing. Yes, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is your new best friend. Sometimes ignorance can save your heart. Can save face. Can save a soul. No, it's not recommended in all aspects, but for this one...would've been the best option for me.
Now here I sit...in my sadness...trying to smile. Knowing the pain will fade. Waiting for that heart-stopping moment when our paths will eventually cross again and trying to not think of what might have been.
Well, here, I killed an hour. Only one more left, till the longest day of my life, thus far, is over. Oh, let's not forget, this is hard on him too. Yea, hard because you feel bad for making me sad. I know how it feels to be you -I've been you. I much more prefer your shoes...
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