Sometimes Someone Else Can Say It Better Than You

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me."

     I LOVE everything about this song, "I Know You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift, but especially the intro:

I think--I think when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.

(From AZLyrics.com)

     So many people who are still getting to know me don't understand why I'm having such a hard time with this how "break-up" thing, but they forget that they JUST MET ME!!! Or haven't actually met me, but know me from what I post or blog -which is never good! You can't know someone from a month's worth of FB posts or the occasional rant-post.

     Someone said this to me, "Why do you care so much about relationships and men? I feel like you're more waaayyy substantial than that to bitch about it all the time, ya know?" Now, the problem here is that this person doesn't personally know me and doesn't understand my history with men -which is that I've been lied to and cheated on and left more than I care to remember. "Trust me, I'm not going anywh...." and he's gone before he can even finish the sentence.... And at that I haven't really cared about dating until I was 25 and even then it took a WHILE before I really started to taking my dating SERIOUSLY, but I got closer and better along the way and had some decent prospects, but not enough great ones to really have anything long-term with.

     The last guy I REALLY fell for wanted me to be all affectionate and bla bla bla and so I was and when I was -that's what ended our relationship. I was TOO needy texting him that I missed him every 3-4 days or trying to keep him in the loop when "I KNEW he was busy!!!" I put him before my friends (which I never do), I made massive amounts of time for him (which I never do), I was sweet and girlfriendy and called and texted and bought things for him/us, etc (WHICH I NEVER DO!!!). I put all of my chips in and I lost it all! --That hurt. Which segues so perfectly into the next part:

I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

     Right now I've been left with these stupid lovey-dovey feelings that I developed which have never been a problem [because they never existed] and I'm standing here all Will Ferrell [in Talladega Nights]-style 'not knowing what to do with my hands.' I know that most people just hop into a new relationship [a.k.a. Rebound), but I'm not that type of person. I'm like a cat where I'm all, "Pet me, pet me, pet me..." but at the same, "Not you, or you, or you...omg why are you touching me?? Why would you even think I'd want that?!?!"  I want someone, but not just anyone.

     Then we jump to the following, which is also pretty damn accurate, except I saw that the dude had a new GF via his FB acct (from my 2nd acct which I've had for YEARS! and he knew about, but I guess forgot!) --when he told me we were over bc he was busy with work and didn't have the energy to make us work -didn't know I was "work":

No apologies, he'll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning
Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see

    I'll give myself that unless he reads this shit he'll never know how hard or long I cried over him/us -and I NEVER cry. Okay, twice a year, but it's usually out of anger and my body's like, "Um, she's so mad her head is going to burst...what should we do instead so that doesn't happen? Tears? Okay, it's gunna be like that scene from The Shining, but with tears and from her eyes! Annnnnnd GO!!!" And I'm like, "What is this liquid pouring from my body?? It's not blood or snot or sweat -lord know I don't exercise!! What IS this??? What's going on/ Why is this happening? Am I breaking? I'm leaking. SOMEONE!!! I'VE SPRUNG A LEAK! WHAT DO I DO?!?!"

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me....

     Now it continues that he never loved her or anyone else, etc. but no, that is not the case with him. He loves. He's loved. He just doesn't and didn't love me. Probably barely even liked me -like that. As a friend or someone to chat with, sure, who doesn't fuckin' love me for that?? I'm funny and cool as shit! But yea, hurts that I developed such feelings for him and I was just a passing thought. Someone for him to tell his stories to, but could give a fuck about mine and me. Ugh.

     I've had a really hard time trying to explain to people, especially ones who don't know me very well, why I've taken this so hard, but T-Swift really summed it up for me in the intro of her song, "I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me." Because I didn't just lose him, I lost me. A whole new me. A brand new, better than ever, changed me -what I thought was THE BEST version of me, still wasn't good enough. That's what I can't get over. 

*Sometimes being a writer it's hard for me to say it as plainly as it should be said. 

I Knew You Were Trouble Lyrics
I Knew You Were Trouble Video