Plain Ole Nerdy Me

This Is Me

Plain Ole Nerdy Me

I had come to the realization a week ago that I am in fact nerdy. I am not a girlie girl who does her nails, has perfectly sculpted model hair, wears sexy, fashionable clothing, and seduces men with a mere look. 

I came to this realization when I was out in Chicago at a comedy club. I am an avid people watcher and the girls that I saw, compared to the guy that I was with, seemed so different than me.

Yes, I can dress up and look all nice, but it's still sub-par compared to those girlie girls.  

I can do this, but still, this in fact is a simple black dress and grey shoes. Oh, and I have a bow in my hair. Nothing special.

A nice shirt and jeans....and I made Katie do my hair.

New Year's, a year ago....a goldish dress from Maurices and shoes from Payless....that's as girlie as I get. 

Otherwise I'm usually this girl:

And that's just the way it is. 

I can be cute. I can be sexy [with alotta work!]. I can be many things, but unfortunately for you, unless you're looking for a silly, dorky, nerdy girl it definitely not going to be me. I'm just too much of a weirdo!

Bob's Way or the Highway

Looks Like I'm Hitching

So last night Bob called me and we had it out. Basically what I took from the call was that the first time around I wasn't loving and reassuring enough. This time around I was to much. His deciding factor in ending it and then getting into a relationship with someone else was that he didn't talk to either of us while seeing us and she left him alone for the entire two weeks. I on the other hand texted him or called him every 2-3 days telling him I missed him and it was hard on me because I missed him etc. Then after he texted me ONCE 5 days after not saying A WORD to me he didn't speak to me for a week and two days after that. But I see that he's checking in out of town at a movie and dinner. Then I see he's out with his friends, then I see he's checking in at dinner again. And he doesn't text me once? No, "I miss you too!" No, "I can't wait for this two weeks to be over so I can wrap my arms around you!" No, "I can't wait to see you in that new outfit!" 

Nope.

Apparently for relationships, it's what Bob wants, what Bob needs, how Bob wants it. And that's just the way it is. I wasn't there enough and then I was too much. Most people would worry if the guy they were seeing wasn't talking to them, but obviously doing other things or going other places, but it was wrong for me to do so. I was to just sit in my little corner like a good girl, cutting off all communication with him for a week and not give a fuck. Then after that two weeks Bob might pick me up and play with me and give me some love and attention and reassurance. ---I'm so glad that he lives in a world where people have to do EXACTLY as he wants and he has to do nothing that he doesn't want to. 

Yes, he understands that the shoe is on the other foot and he feels bad about how it's all played out. But I think the thing that he's missing is that a relationship is a two way street. It's not just, "Do as Bob says and get rewarded." It's about making it work between TWO people. I'm glad he found someone who doesn't give A SHIT if he talks to her for 2 days to a week and is TOTALLY okay with that. But I'm sorry, I want to talk to the person I'm seeing and tell them I miss them and call them when I have exciting or bummed out news. I want to text the person I like and tell them I miss them and not have them go, "Ugh, why the fuck is she texting me!! What is her problem! I told her I'm busy. I don't have time for her to miss me. Why can't she just find something else to do till I have time for her!"

God, what a terrible person I am. At least I know now that it would have always been like this. I got in trouble for telling him how I felt. If what I was feeling was different than what he had explained to me I got in trouble. "Well I said this.....so I don't know why you're taking it like this...." Um, maybe because I have feelings and people lie and people hide things and people only care about themselves. 

I tried. I tried SO hard to give him what I thought he wanted. But in the end I found out that that's what the problem was. It was always about what HE wanted and anything that I wanted was a hassle, an annoyance, a bother. 

I guess I'll just go sit in my corner and start collecting dust. 

I'm Poison

Everything I do is wrong. The more right, the more good, the more...anything I try to do, just makes it wrong. I just need to stop trying is all. Just let life pass me by. Everything I touch dies. I'm poison.

Bob And All His BULLSHIT!!!!!!

The Lies I Was Lead To Believe

So I was told Monday night/Tuesday morning (2/4-2/5) that Bob didn't have the "energy" to make this work and we lived too far away from each other and that any free time was going to be spent with daughter. I said, "So you're just going to be single for the rest of your life?" Implying that if he was too busy with work to date then he was never going to date. He said that he'd come to terms with the fact that that may be so.

Well, here I come to fucking find out that he, as of January 25th, when he went to Cedar Rapids to a movie and dinner is in a relationship with this new girl. 

OH!!!! OHHHHHH! So, really, there was another girl the WHOLE fucking time and he wanted to be in a relationship with HER - NOT me!!!! Oh! Well why the FUCK couldn't he just fucking tell me that? Why is it that people feel the need to lie to one another so that they try to avoid hurting someone's feelings?

I could have been dealing with this for the past week! Instead I'm told a whole bunch of BOB FUCKING BULLSHIT and then find out the truth that he didn't have enough goddamn balls to tell me himself! It's like breaking your arm and a week into it being in a cast it's broken again. 

I am SO fucking sick of people LYING!! You think that your lie is going to make things hurt less? Well what the fuck happens when they find out the truth? How the fuck do you think that's going to make them feel? 

Me? I feel FUCKING GREAT! I feel like a goddamn thousand bucks. I know that I'm not worth a goddamn thing to this man. I'm definitely not worth the truth. I'm not worth the time. The effort. The risk. The chance. But, oh, let's not forget....he told me that I'm amazing. But this girl, she must really be something if she's that goddamn much better than me. 

Bob the Bullshitter. Bob the one who is only going to be spending his free time with his daughter who he told me repeatedly that she said to one of her friends, "My daddy's too busy with his job to see me." To make ME feeling fucking bad that I shouldn't be bitching about how much I miss him and care for him and want to see him because he can barely see his daughter. 

Oh wait, maybe if you weren't SO GODDAMN BUSY lyyyyyyying and seeing a girl in Cedar-fucking-Rapids you'd have time for your daughter. Or well that just the truth twisted as much as you could so that you could use it and make ME feel like SHIT while you walk on water? 

....you know the worst part of all of this? I still, STUPIDLY fucking like him. Yea, I'm THAT dumb girl. I hate him, but I like him. Probably because I like who I thought he was and not the cowardly piece of shit that I'm coming to find he is. 

FUCK MEN! And don't, DON'T tell me they're not all the same! I KNOW they're not. They're either assholes or doormats. And if you're a guy reading this right now and you'r saying, "I'm not an asshole...." then you're a doormat and you don't know it! Congrats. Have a handful of honesty because unlike everyone else I will throw it in your fucking face. Because you at least deserve THAT opposed to being comforted with pretty little lies. 

The After Effects Of A Break-Up

How To Get Over Him

Now, I've not ever been one to be known as a "normal" [or typical] girl, with that said...I am also not opposed to being a normal or a typical girl as many girls I know! I can be very girlie. I can be very tomboyish. I can be very much unlike anyone you've ever known. It all depends on what we're talking about. 

I'm almost never in a relationship so I don't technically have any sound "break-up" tactics such as binge eating sweets and frozen dairy products or going on spending frenzies, buying myself a whole new wardrobe in hopes of creating a brand new me. I have liked a few guys over the past years who sadly I've let break the heart I refuse to admit that I have. When those "relationships" ended I just did my normal ole thing when things didn't go my way and went on endless rants about how much they pissed me off with all of their B.S. 

Unfortunately, this one's different. I don't think I loved him, but I was sure falling in that general direction. So yes, it doesn't sting like lemon juice in a paper cut, but it burns like catching my hand one fire [which I did a couple weeks ago, not that he gave a fuck and asked how I was or anything....]. So, I guess that's what has driven me to something far more elaborate than my normal ranting. And plus, I can't really hate him. He wasn't a jerk. He just politely told me that I wasn't worth the effort. No, he didn't say that exactly. He said, "I just don't have the energy to try to make it work. My heart's not there." But that's how I took it nonetheless. So, I've got a lot of pent up rage towards men to where I can safely say that I'm done dating. However, I'm still mad about it. Enough rage that writing and ranting and vlogging and bitching to my friends cannot seem to fizzle away. So here's my solution:

Yup! I'm going to take up archery! I loved it in HS and it was my favorite part of gym class. I shall bury Bob with my bow....no, I don't mean kill him, but try and kill the stupid feelings I had for him in massacring a target with an arrow. I shall take my revenge on cupid!! Haha! Just kidding. I'm really excited to get started. And yes, there will be blood. ......I mean videos....there will be videos! Stay tuned!

Oh The Little Things That Sting!

Yea, I'll get over you....But not today!

Just found a 5 page note I wrote Bob while trying to give him his "space" for work...being all sweet and thoughtful and romantic-like. Why I'm such a sentimental sonuvabitch I'll never know, but deep underneath this "I'll-kill-everyone" motif I'm really a huge sap. Guess I'll just put that in the pile of other things that mean jack-shit!

It's not "the thought that counts," because my thoughts don't count.

=/

Maybe I'll just put the letter over "here" with the rest...of the fire??

What Happened to the Man Who Drove an Hour to Bring me a Strawberry Shake and Make me Smile?

Talk about a knife in the side....ugh. Really? One of the things he said to me when ending it was, " I don't have the energy to try to make it work." Ouch. Oh, and we live so far apart....a whole hour. And the two times I offered to go to him he said no. And I would've gone and seen him multiple times per week if that's what needed to happen!

It just sucks. He was all about me a year ago and I was [am] all about him now. What happened to the man who drove an hour to bring me a strawberry shake and make me smile? Why couldn't I be the me now, then? I don't want to admit it, but I really did love him. Maybe I didn't love him yet, maybe I actually did. Maybe that would explain why it seems to hurt so much more with him opposed to the other guys I've dated recently. Or maybe I wasn't in love yet, but knew that I was falling for him....I don't know. All I know is that no matter which sad song comes on the radio [Pandora] I instantly become down and think of him. Anytime I see something like that picture I instantly become down and think of him. Anytime I tell a joke that was something we came up with I instantly become down and think of him. Whenever I freaking watch Invader-stupid-freaking-[actually-awesome]Zim I instantly become down and think of him.

As I said to him, "Just because we're done doesn't mean I stop liking you...."

Damn it Pandora!!! No more sad songs! The Script, Nothing....."If she see how much I'm hurting maybe she'll take me back for sure....I could change her mind turn it all around...." Ugh.

I'm never worth it. Never good enough. Never....just never. It's never me. God, I miss his face. Everything about it: his eyes, his smile, his nose, his beard....his gorgeous hair. The silly faces he'd make. How he'd blush and laugh when I'd compliment him. =/

He's one amazing guy.

Goddamn it! Gotye, Somebody That I Used to Know. Immabout to throw my computer!! (and yes, that's supposed to be one word.....)

Someone said to me, "Well, he doesn't know what he's missing. You're amazing." I said, "He knows. He doesn't care -and that's the problem. He doesn't care -about me. And unfortunately it wasn't one-sided. He's just as amazing and I know it and my say doesn't matter." It only takes one person to say it's over and it is. There's not negotiating. Unless you're Staci at work. She said her bf tries to break up with her every year, the same time....she just says no. =) That's what I should have done with Bob, "No. We're together, I'll call you tomorrow...look forward to your restraining order! Night baby! Have a good day at work tomorrow!!"