Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Can't I Just Win One??
Please Don't Let it be Over Already....
Ugh. How could this happen to me? I mean, I guess since it's me it could only happen to me. I just thought it would happen some other way...maybe we'd not have sexual chemistry or his daughter would hate me or his friends would say I'm not good enough for him -or they liked a previous girlfriend better or I'd not be smart enough or pretty enough or witty enough (ha, that could never happen....) or maybe he couldn't do the distance thing for that long or maybe he wants me to wear a bunny suit and he dresses as a carrot and bunny-me bangs carrot-him? ANY one of those I've thought could be a possibility in IC guy and I ending. And hell, technically we've not even begun. We're just "seeing" each other. Ugh.
Seeing Each Other
So, here's the sitch just in case you haven't read my previous blog: IC guy and I met a year ago and dated for eh, a month or so....and at that we talked quite a bit (more than we do now I feel) and went out on two dates. Things were going well, but I always fall fast and hard, because, well...it's great to get caught up in those moments. Those are the euphoric ones where it feels like you're living your own dream or your fairy tale has actually come true -who knew?! Well, I was getting the feeling he liked me more than I liked him, despite my tendency to fall, and he freaked me out in saying things like he wished I was there to cuddle with him, etc. because I'm like, "Ugh, we haven't even kissed yet and I'm not at the stage where we lay all lovey-dovey with one another until our breathing is in sync." So I took it how it usually went and assumed that he was completely enamored with me and planning our wedding [which I'm totally doing as we speak =( damn shoe on the other foot syndrome!!] and I did what I normally do and I pushed him so hard it broke him. -not like, hurt his feelings, but pissed him off. You know those ecards and such on FB with the guy throwing the papers in the air like he's over that shit??? Yea, that's kinda what he was like, but with me and trying to pull affection out of me....
So, I eventually mustered up the lady balls to contact him again and start talking to him again. Then after he wasn't taking my bait I just drained the freaking lake and told him I missed hanging out with him and that eventually turned into me telling him I liked him, liked him and now we're [kind of] back to where we were a year ago (except a month sooner).
Present Day
Eventually we got together and finally had our first kiss and had a GREAT time together! For the following weeks to come I kept bitching about how sucky my friends were to not tell me to knock off being myself and that I had an AMAZING guy who was PERFECT for me and I'd better dial "me" down a notch -or twelve! if I wanted to keep this one. We try to hang out a couple weeks later, because he'd made all these plans prior to me coming back into the picture and of course it was the holidays....oh well....I'd waited MONTHS, what would be a couple more weeks right?? [HELL, THAT'S WHAT!!!]
--Here's where you're thinking everything going to go downhill right? Nope. Not quite yet! Not even sure it's downhill just yet even...--
So he's supposed to come down one evening, but it snows....damn nature, keeping us apart. He tries to come down, but he's just slipping and sliding and it just wasn't in the cards. Ya know? So I just, *throws papers up in the air -fuck it- and walks away* I find something else to do to keep my mind off of him and wait to reschedule our next hangout.
--Mind you, we're still just "seeing" each other. Which means we're not even dating, which is WELL before possibly being his girlfriend....*props head up with hand and takes a deep breath* And here I am writing Mrs. IC Guy in my notebooks and all o_O --
Stephanie Curve
Our second hangout gets cut a little shorter because of both of our jobs, but somehow it worked out that both of our jobs kept us a bit longer so really neither of us waited on the other! Score! Again, another GREAT night with IC Guy!! His great night turned into a GREAT day....which turned mine into a nerve-racking week (possibly month) to come.
You know how everyone has that dream job they're striving for? Mine's my sitcom deal, but I know that I'm far from that because clearly I'm still working on the storyboard and the pilot. But apparently he was offered his dream job THAT MORNING [of our 2nd "date"]. Great right? NOPE! Well, not for me. Superb for him! But this amazing career of his is going to take him about oh....13ish (plus or minus) hours away from one another. And CLEARLY we're not that far in our relationship to where he'd stay for me or ask me to go with him. Sure, he's got his daughter to figure out in this scenario, but seeing as how we're just "seeing" each other I know that this means that yet again, we're going to end just as we're beginning.
Ugh....
Ugh. Why does this stuff happen to me? I finally found someone who is just as amazing and astounding as I [think I] am. And all the stories he tells me about his ex's I'm thinking, "Psssh, I've got this!" But then again, he's not jumping at me like he seemed to be the first time around. Which means he's definitely the one on the fence about us, whereas I'm totally on board waiting to break the champagne bottle and set sail while he's carefully assessing what this journey is going to entail so he doesn't have to work up a contingency plan involving jumping into a lifesaver and waiting to be rescued out in the middle of the ocean [the ocean which I'll probably end up crying if he leaves!!!!]
I think what bothers me the most is that this happened after our second hang out....which after our second hang out last time is when everything went kinda, bleh.
I just want for [fucking] once things to work out. I have been ready to date, be someone's girlfriend, for the past 4 years -which is a long time when nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens.....and finally I find someone who is just, perfect for me and now I'm worried it's going to end before we even get a chance to start.
I'll Find Someone Better!!
You know how we all have that supportive friend who pats you on the back and says, "You'll find someone better!" Well, I have MANY friends who do that....and let me tell you, THEY'RE LIARS!! I will find NO ONE better than IC Guy. It's just not possible. Now I may find someone who's smart or who's attractive or who's funny or who's resourceful or who's a great father or who will bring me strawberry shakes now and again.....but I can guaroon-freaking-tee [that's just how I say it out loud, not how it's actually spelled] that I will NEVER find a guy quite like IC Guy.
Just as I hope people that some guys feel they'll never find someone quite like me (in a good way!).
Ugh. He makes me so happy. He brings out the best in me. He inspires me. He pushes me; he makes me want to achieve success. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. I love his eyes and his hair; and the way he plays with it [his hair] and brushes it back out of his face -even though it's not in his face! In the words of IC Guy.....Blarg.
Can't I Just Win One??
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