Sheldon vs. Halle Berry

     I'm sorry, but this is ALL I could think while looking at Halle Berry allllllll Oscars night! I was driving me banana sandwich. -And of course I choose Sheldon. 

     -A special thanks goes to Whitney for making this for me!! xoxo

My Paper on Fight Club..

     My paper on Aristotle and Plato's views on the book Fight Club was used as an example of how to write an A paper for my upper level English class. 
     -I raised my hand and said, "Um, the first rule about my paper is you do not talk about my paper." 

     Someone asked me if that was also the second rule about my paper, to which I replied, "I'd love to answer that, but I'm not allowed to talk about it."=)

Oh Yea, This is What I Look Like, Btw!

Sometimes Someone Else Can Say It Better Than You

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me."

     I LOVE everything about this song, "I Know You Were Trouble" by Taylor Swift, but especially the intro:

I think--I think when it's all over,
It just comes back in flashes, you know?
It's like a kaleidoscope of memories.
It just all comes back. But he never does.
I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.
It's not really anything he said or anything he did,
It was the feeling that came along with it.
And the crazy thing is I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again.
But I don't know if I should.
I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him.
It was losing me.

(From AZLyrics.com)

     So many people who are still getting to know me don't understand why I'm having such a hard time with this how "break-up" thing, but they forget that they JUST MET ME!!! Or haven't actually met me, but know me from what I post or blog -which is never good! You can't know someone from a month's worth of FB posts or the occasional rant-post.

     Someone said this to me, "Why do you care so much about relationships and men? I feel like you're more waaayyy substantial than that to bitch about it all the time, ya know?" Now, the problem here is that this person doesn't personally know me and doesn't understand my history with men -which is that I've been lied to and cheated on and left more than I care to remember. "Trust me, I'm not going anywh...." and he's gone before he can even finish the sentence.... And at that I haven't really cared about dating until I was 25 and even then it took a WHILE before I really started to taking my dating SERIOUSLY, but I got closer and better along the way and had some decent prospects, but not enough great ones to really have anything long-term with.

     The last guy I REALLY fell for wanted me to be all affectionate and bla bla bla and so I was and when I was -that's what ended our relationship. I was TOO needy texting him that I missed him every 3-4 days or trying to keep him in the loop when "I KNEW he was busy!!!" I put him before my friends (which I never do), I made massive amounts of time for him (which I never do), I was sweet and girlfriendy and called and texted and bought things for him/us, etc (WHICH I NEVER DO!!!). I put all of my chips in and I lost it all! --That hurt. Which segues so perfectly into the next part:

I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard you took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

     Right now I've been left with these stupid lovey-dovey feelings that I developed which have never been a problem [because they never existed] and I'm standing here all Will Ferrell [in Talladega Nights]-style 'not knowing what to do with my hands.' I know that most people just hop into a new relationship [a.k.a. Rebound), but I'm not that type of person. I'm like a cat where I'm all, "Pet me, pet me, pet me..." but at the same, "Not you, or you, or you...omg why are you touching me?? Why would you even think I'd want that?!?!"  I want someone, but not just anyone.

     Then we jump to the following, which is also pretty damn accurate, except I saw that the dude had a new GF via his FB acct (from my 2nd acct which I've had for YEARS! and he knew about, but I guess forgot!) --when he told me we were over bc he was busy with work and didn't have the energy to make us work -didn't know I was "work":

No apologies, he'll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn't know that he's the reason why
You're drowning, you're drowning, you're drowning
Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see

    I'll give myself that unless he reads this shit he'll never know how hard or long I cried over him/us -and I NEVER cry. Okay, twice a year, but it's usually out of anger and my body's like, "Um, she's so mad her head is going to burst...what should we do instead so that doesn't happen? Tears? Okay, it's gunna be like that scene from The Shining, but with tears and from her eyes! Annnnnnd GO!!!" And I'm like, "What is this liquid pouring from my body?? It's not blood or snot or sweat -lord know I don't exercise!! What IS this??? What's going on/ Why is this happening? Am I breaking? I'm leaking. SOMEONE!!! I'VE SPRUNG A LEAK! WHAT DO I DO?!?!"

And the saddest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me....

     Now it continues that he never loved her or anyone else, etc. but no, that is not the case with him. He loves. He's loved. He just doesn't and didn't love me. Probably barely even liked me -like that. As a friend or someone to chat with, sure, who doesn't fuckin' love me for that?? I'm funny and cool as shit! But yea, hurts that I developed such feelings for him and I was just a passing thought. Someone for him to tell his stories to, but could give a fuck about mine and me. Ugh.

     I've had a really hard time trying to explain to people, especially ones who don't know me very well, why I've taken this so hard, but T-Swift really summed it up for me in the intro of her song, "I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him, it was losing me." Because I didn't just lose him, I lost me. A whole new me. A brand new, better than ever, changed me -what I thought was THE BEST version of me, still wasn't good enough. That's what I can't get over. 

*Sometimes being a writer it's hard for me to say it as plainly as it should be said. 

I Knew You Were Trouble Lyrics
I Knew You Were Trouble Video

Reason No. 523 I'm Single

Ugh!!! I just want someone to cuddle with and possibly make-out with a little.

-No, not you. Or you. Ooooor you. And especially not you, weirdo!

Curse Bob and what he's done to meeeeee!!!! Seriously guys! I'm NEVER like this. I do NOT want to cuddle, even with guys I'm dating or the boyfriends I've had. Nick used to have to throw the pillows out of bed so I couldn't cuddle with them and so I would have to cuddle with him! And I wanted to marry that kid!

Now.....ugh, nooooow because Bob made this ooey-gooey "love" monster I want to cuddle and make-out and be sweet and affectionate and....ick!!! Damn it! I caught feelings! Barney-Stinson style, I caught feelings! This sucks so much. I hate it!! I hate feeeeling.

And what sucks more is that I want all this stuff, but I'm still the same ole picky me and I don't want it with just anyone -it has to be someone special that I feel safe and secure with and who I can trust and possibly be long term with...which means I'm going to feel like this FOREVER and NEVER have these desires which I need met, met!!! DAMN!!!

Damn Bob and making me feel feelings and then abandoning me because me telling him I missed him every 3-5 days was smothering him!!! He sucks! BLEH!!!

Yup. This about sums it up:

BOB!!!! YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR FEELINGS WITH YOU

WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER GIRL....I MEAN, WORK....

...and the other girl was just a happy [for you] coincidence....

>= |

Simple

If you do not "get" me, you do not GET to have an opinion about me.

I Am...Frankenstein's Monster

Or At Least Bob's Monster....

Which doesn't sound near as cool...

But I'll be nice and not use his last name which would sound cooler.

So! I'm starting to read and read about Frankenstein and all about Mary Shelley for my English class at WIU (represent!) and many know I already can relate to the story because I feel like Bob created this monster [me now] and abandoned it [me]. 

See, I usually don't get attached to guys very easily. Bob and I dated a year ago and it ended after 2-3 months. I wasn't all that attached so whatever, ya know? No skin off my back -which is a terrible, Silence-y of the Lambs saying...ick. 

We started dating again the end of the year, but over the year I'd become more and more fond of him and when we started talking again and he said that he wanted to start seeing me again too and I became quite attached. 

Like old times we talked on the phone for hours and he came to visit me a couple times (wouldn't let me visit him....thought nothing of it at the time) and unlike last time I was very affectionate and loving and reassuring and sweet and girlfriendy -which was what ended us last time [me NOT being like that].

WELL! I turned into the girl he wanted a year ago only to find that present Bob wanted past Stephanie and present Bob didn't like affectionate and loving Stephanie. So I became what he seemed to have wanted only to find that he didn't actually want that ....erm, me [anymore?]. Whatever. 

So, you now see how I feel like Frankenstein's [or Bob's] monster. He created me and now he's left me to die [metaphorically....I doubt he literally wants me to die....could be wrong!] similar to Dr. Frankenstein wanting to get rid of what he'd created. Don't create something in which you are not going to be responsible for! -That's the lesson for today! You're Welcome!

This is from my Facebook which I intended to turn into this blog:

"His [the creator's] success would terrify the artist; he would rush away from his odious handywork, horror-stricken. He would hope that, left to itself, the slight spark of life which he had communicated would fade; that this thing, which had receive such imperfect animation, would subside into dead matter..."

This is how I feel about Bob wanting me to have feelings for him, then I did, and now he's just hoping that if he abandons me those feelings will die; he doesn't realize that I am part of those feelings...and it's killing me.

Kinda the same right??? Can you tell which one's which? =)

The Epitome of a Man:

I tell him, "I kind of [grand understatement] hate men right now."

He says, "Do you want [me to come over] to chat for a half hour?"

.....listen, MAN, unless you cut off your dick, you are not coming over. And at that, if you cut off your dick you should probably go to the hospital. So, to make everyone happy and so everyone can keep their dicks, hows about you just go home and leave me to my reading, eh?

And yes, before he asked to come over he asked what I was doing and I said homework reading] and he still persisted on coming over. "Just ten minutes...." No. Then he called, I answered, he asked when I had to have my stuff read by, I said next week, but I have a SHITTON of reading to do the rest of the month and I'd rather stay on top of it so I don't fall behind. He asks to come over for a half hour....ugh. No.

No, I'm doing homework.
No, I'm reading.
No, I have plans, work, and homework ALLL week[end].
No, I don;'t want to talk to YOU.
No, I don't like MEN right now.
Yes, I consider you a man [or at least of the male gender].
No, don't cut off your penis so we can chat for 30 min....

This is what I don't get....I say, no. No, I'm busy. No, I'm reading. No, I'm doing homework. No, I don't want to talk. No, I don't want you to come over. But you men, you just keep pestering and pestering and nagging and nagging and whining and whining and you think that by continually badgering girls they're going to go, "FINE!!! JESUS!! Come over!"

....not this girl! Suck it!

Be "the Guy" Before You "Get the Job"

Ever heard the say, "We gave the job to the guy who was already doing the job?"

Well that's how I look at dating -sort of.

I'm sick of people saying, "Well if I had the job..." "If you gave me the job..." "...then I would do this and this and that and the other thing and MAN! I'd be doing SO many things! Buuuut, if you're not going to give me the job then you can fuck off."

I'm sick of guys talking a big game like, "Well if we dated I'd do this and that, but since we're not I see no point." Well guys, don't you think that kind of shows your character? You'll only do things for people if you get what you want in return, or at least something out of it.

Me, I helped move a girl who was decently new at my place of work out of her abusive husband's when I had a test to study for, because helping her and her children was more important than doing well on my test. -Lucky for me karma was like, "Hey, that was a nice thing you did! I'm going to have the professor let you use your book on this one test!" I spent my Thanksgiving with my friend 6 hours out of town so she could be near her boys just in case they needed her instead of spending it with the guy I liked at the time.

Guys -not friends- fine. I took a night off from homework and went to the guys house who I was dating who lived super far out of town from me. I also stopped by his school one day to chat after my daughter's practice. I invited him out to my daughter's sports events. Another guy, I offered to drive an hour of of town to see him twice, but he declined both times. I bought him his own towel for my place since he was so much bigger than me.

My point is, don't wait until you ARE her boyfriend or until you two ARE dating to be sweet and thoughtful. And if she says no at first, especially because she thinks that you don't really care about her, then just take a little time to not be with anyone else because you don't want just anybody, you want her.

If you two are already talking every day and you're already supportive of her [and hopefully she of you too] then what's to stop her from wanting to keep that up and keep you around.

DO NOT CONFUSE THIS!!!!

Do not confuse this with acting like a friend and then slipping your way into the BOYfriend zone. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Girls WILL friend-zone guys. Make it known that you like her, but if she needs time or space, then give her that. Reassure her that you still like her -unless she's made it CLEAR that you two are just friends. 

And even at that, if you two are just friends, you don't have to be a dick. You don't have to stop talking to her and being sweet and such. One of my best friends and I treat each other like we're freaking married. We'll never EVER date, but that doesn't mean we're dicks to each other. We still go out to eat together, talk for hours, do laundry together, help each other out with kids and family stuff, and advice and such. 

Point is....

You shouldn't wait until she says "let's date" before you start being a great guy. You should already be a great guy -that's who the girls fall for. We're always watching....and we talk. So if you're a dick before or after a girl, she'll tell her friends and they'll tell their friends and so on and so forth and then you're fucked!! Be a great guy all the time. Even if she's a bitch. -ESPECIALLY if she's a bitch. Then everyone will see how great you are and what a biatch she is and that'll get you EVEN FARTHER with future girls. 

Fight Club and Dating

The First Rule of Dating is....

I've always had this rule with dating that if things got a little tough or if I asked a guy for some space and he was a dick about it or out-right bailed, then it was over (and for the bailed thing, it would not be forgiven if/when he wanted another chance).

While reading Fight Club I realized they kinda did the same thing, but they weren't even let IN until they passed this test, "If the applicant then waits for three days without food, shelter, or encouragement he may then enter and begin his training. ..."

Every time things get tough and the guy isn't getting the reassurance he needs or I ask to slow things down or take a break or something, he bails. This shows me who the person is faster than waiting 6 months for something like this to happen. I feel like I'm never good enough for guys to tough through it, ever. -If you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best.

No one fights for me, plain and simple. No one says, "Listen, you're really busy and clearly frustrated, I'm going to let you get caught up on things and sort stuff out and once you're done with all of that I will be here." No one goes, "I know things are crazy with us right now, but we are going to get through it and find a way because you are that important to me that I don't want to lose you." 

Just like the guys who are too afraid to even tell a girl they like 'em. If you're too afraid to tell a girl you LIKE her, what else are you afraid to do? I totally asked a manager of a restaurant if he had a girlfriend and he told me he was engaged. Boy was I red in the face, but it made his night and I will never have to wonder "what if??"

My friend is GORGEOUS and she had a guy tell her she was "too short to ride the ride" or something like that. Oh freaking well. Pretty girls get dumped too. Nice girls get taken advantage of. And you know what, sometimes things work out. Just because 20 girls said no doesn't mean that the next one will. 

Sometimes people just need to know that they're not expendable, especially people like me who whenever I've trusted a guy and he's told me he's not going anywhere -he leaves! Him, you think, that MAYBE I need proof that you're going to stay and when it isn't sunshine and rainbow you're not going to leave me in the cold and rain? 

I Was In Fight Club -No Joke

Apparently "I" was in Fight Club. (middle, "Steph")

When the crap did "I" do that?? 

Omg, maybe I have a split personality and "I" act in movies!!! Cool. -My stage name sucks. And I think I'm a dude. Damn it! My split personality is a dude. Maybe this is why I have problems dating....the guys I'm dating don't want to be gay when my alter takes over. I'm ruining my life!!!

=)

Fight Club = My Life

I know, I know...you couldn't have guessed it. I LOOOOVE Fight Club.

This is going to be how I turn down men from now on:

     -Tyler style, "Bad news friend. It's not gunna happen. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. It's not the end of the world. Just, go away. Go."

Hahaha! I love Fight Club. I love everything about Fight Club that hurts! (btw, if you don't get that, it's a reference to my all-time favorite movie, Closer, where Clive Owen says, "I love you. I love everything about you that hurts." See how I impose the love Clive Owen had for something broken onto the love I have for the broken men in the story Fight Club??? Eh? Ehhhh??

I'm gunna go back to Fight Club with this one and say -[I'm] Clever. How's that working out for me [you might ask]? Great. -I'll keep it up then!!

In love with the book and movie!!! Ugh! SO good!!!

Yea, I Now Get Why I'm Single....

It all becomes clear to me in this moment as to why or maybe how I'm single....right now, in this moment, I posted this on my Facebook:

     "Omg there's actually scholarly peer reviewed stuff on Fight Club. I have an academic, literary [not literally dumbasses] boner right now!!! #suchanerd"

Yup. I get it now. I'm a cute, girl next door, nothing special -but intriguing, flirty, sassy, broken girl who gets more excited by finding scholarly stuff on Fight Club and is made happier by episodes of The Big Bang Theory than I'm excited and happy about dating anyone...

Sorry, but when I'd rather read a book or watch a TV show than date you....it's CLEARLY you, not me! Hahahaha!

You Don't Answer Emails at 1am! I Don't Check Emails at 7am!

I love, love, love, double standards!

     *Especially when it comes to school!

First off, I LOVE how:

Professors act like their class is my only class and not only that, but I should love the subject as much as they do, as well as heavily research anything and everything to do with the subject at hand!      -Ain't nobody got time for that!

I am taking 4-6 classes at any given time and all of the subjects are different! If I were taking 4 ENGLISH classes or 4 PSYCHOLOGY classes or 4 SOCIOLOGY classes, then maybe....but how it works is -since apparently the teachers themselves don't know, there are these things called PREREQUISITES and I have to take a baby English class before I can take a toddler English class, before I can take an adolescent English class, before I can take a pre-teen English class, before I can take a teenager English class and then take a senior English class and fucking graduate!!! Yes, there are a few correlating factors to tie the classes together here and there, but not enough to where they intermittently intertwine!

Secondly, I LOVE how:

Professors can not plan out the semester and forget shit or upload the wrong notes or not have their computer or Internet work or because they were up for 10 hours writing the test one day they haven't checked any of the papers yet for the semester because "they need sleep too!" Well, you think I can say, "Hey, I didn't study for the test all the well...." or "So my paper's kinda choppy...." [because] "....I worked 35-40 hours and have 3-4 other classes....and I need to sleep too!" NO! We, [sometimes] get a one time pass and are up till all hours of the night trying to make enough money to pay our bills and put gas in our car to get to class and to buy enough caffeine to stay up all freaking night to do our homework [and well at that] so that we can get a decent grade in your class which you seem to tell us we need to care more about than you -but you want us to care about the subject like we're going to take up a profession in it! [which I get some are, but maybe not that specific subject -psychology overall vs. motivational psychology or abnormal psychology or clinical psychology.

Third of all, I LOVE how:

Professors seem to only want to trip you up. It's not enough to throw a shitton of information at students, but they REALLY want to test your knowledge and understanding of something that's JUST been brought into your life. "I know you just learned this and are still trying to wrap this around your head, but I'm going to ask you a question in the most awkward way and maybe even throw in a double negative [or three] to see if you're REALLY getting what you JUST learned! And yes, I'm going to do this on the test so it can alter your grade and really give you some well-deserved anxiety."

You are a TEACHER. Your job is to TEACH, not to TRICK! Not to confuse. Not to trip-up.

My concluding statement -because I'm SO used to making them!!!

Listen professors....you're lucky I woke up and made it to class after being up all night studying and after all the social interactions and books [to read for fun] and TV shows and activities and many other things I've cut out of my life for you....what the FUCK makes you think students check their school email or the school website to see if you just so happened to upload something new before class or sent out an email with some pertinent information??

You don't answer emails at 1am! I don't check emails at 7am!

One of the Worst Things About Being Single is....

Everyone Thinks You're Up For Grabs!

I hate it! "Do you have a boyfriend?" or "Your boyfriend is lucky!" And when I respond with the fact that I'm single these guys automatically think, "She's mine!" I just need to show her how great I am and show her I can take care of her and give her all of the happiness that she could want!! 

Buuuut....they're afraid!

They want to show you the world [Aladdin-style] but only if you want them to show you the world. And then they ask you which part of the world you'd like to see first and when's a convenient time for you to do so and they bring Pepsi and Coke because they're not sure which one you'd want, but if you don't like either of them you two can stop off somewhere and get whatever you like, but if you're busy then he can take a raincheck, but he'll be siting there patiently waiting to show you the world, whenever you get the time or whatever...

I'm Sorry, but I Want Someone To Knock Me Off My Feet

Not someone who's going to bump into me and then say he's sorry then sit at home wishing he'd have mustered up the courage to ask for my phone number. I mean, if you don't have the balls to ask out a girl you like, then what else don't you have the balls to do? And at that, asking a girl to dinner or a movie, ISN'T asking her out on a date. It's playing it safe and feeling out the situation. -Scaredy cats!

George McFly Complex

I refer to this problem as the George McFly Complex. This is where guys are too afraid to make a move because they "just can't handle that kind of rejection!" Get over it! You're going to be rejected MANY times in life, and not just in love either. Quit being so sensitive. Pretend you don't have a care in the world and then go home and cry into your Hello Kitty pillow!! You'll never get anything you want unless you try! And with that said, it seems only creepy weirdos end up hitting on me....am I a creepy weirdo? DAMN IT!!!

Perks of Being Single...I Think?

I was given no reason to shave my legs, so I have no reason to shave my legs. 
And thus, I will not shave my legs. 

Do You Want To Love This Person? Accept or Deny.

Love Request?

     So, I glanced at this on the right side of my Facebook page and was like, "Kevin wants to love me? Why Kevin, how forward of you...." Then once I clicked on it, of course, it was like, "Kevin has requested to add your birthday to his calendar!" And I was like, "Awe. No love for Stephanie!" Not that I wanted him to love me or anything....but still.

     So I've hence forth decided that this is how all requests should be, in love or therefore otherwise. 

I think all requests, love or not, but especially love, should be this devoid of feelings. "Accept or Deny?" Click. There ya go. And that's the problem, really....

Feelings

     I spent 2 weeks out of the 3 weeks that I was with one guy just trying to figure out how to break up with him nicely....I even Googled it, because the advice my friends were giving wasn't good enough or each other them were contradicting one another. So Google basically told me not to give him the FINE details [like he was dumb and bad in bed] but that I should just let him know that we weren't on the same page and we just wanted different things in life -like I wanted someone as good in bed as me and as smart as me, but he wanted someone way better in bed than him and far wittier than him. 

     I was so worried about hurting his feelings that I prolonged it because I wanted to do it in the most humane way possible and I was making sure I wasn't being too hasty and ending things when the first "bad" thing came about. --I know, how sweet of me. But it ended badly anyway. He asked for honesty, I told him I didn't see a future with him and I did not want him to be my boyfriend. So then he proceeded to inform me of everything that he thought was wrong with me and put me in my place! Needless to say, people don't handle rejection well.

It's Not Personal, I Just Don't Like You....Personally.

    Weird huh? Telling someone not to take a break up, a rejection of them, not personally. "You're great! Juuuust for someone else!" But when you know what you want and you know that when you're not getting what you want that you're just going to end up hating them in the long run for it, what else can you do but end it? My biggest thing is, "Why do you want to prove to me that you can make me happy if I don't care if you're happy?" 

     Yes there are times when you're going to have to sacrifice things in a relationship and not get your way, but when the scale never tips back in your direction....or let me put it this way, it'd be like being on a teeter totter and always having to be the one on the ground, always keeping the other person high in the air. -Maybe it's about time you jump off and let their ass hit the ground...

     Sometimes you just need to do it. End it. Or jump into it. Depending on what you want. I know it seems like it, but it's not the end of the world. Plus, you don't want to either lose that person by not being ready to jump in or you don't want to hurt that person even more by prolonging something that should have ended long ago. 

     Don't take it too personally, and just let it end. You don't need to have a contest of who's the worst person, "Well you did this, well you did that...." Just know that they don't want to be with you anymore and walk away. Obviously they already made up their mind. And you don't want to have to convince someone to love you, because you're probably going to spend most of the relationship reminding them of why they should/do love you. 

I AM Frankenstein's Monster....

     That's it. I'm sick. I've diagnosed myself. I've been poisoned. Bob has poisoned me and I'm infected. [Don't worry, it's not the T-Virus ooooor the HIV.] I hate this. I hate constantly feeling how I feel. This is stupid. Love is stupid. This is why I've avoided it. Heart ache is such a stupid feeling to feel. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I'm not overwhelmed by any grand feeling....I'm just, heart broken. It's the feeling like when you break a bone -the rest of your body is fine, it's just pain in one concentrated area. You know it will heal and go away and one day you'll be able to look back and be unable to recall how bad it actually felt, but that doesn't stop it from hurting anymore at that very moment, or even the next day or the day after.

     You guys tell me to give you a chance, it'll be different...but it NEVER is. NEVER!! And now I'm stuck like this. I'm fucking stuck until I can figure out how to get unstuck. While the one who made me this way is off living his life and loving every minute of it. He doesn't have to fix what he broke. I feel like Frankenstein's monster and Frankenstein just wants to wash his hands of it [me] and be done with it. That's probably the worst thing about heart ache and break ups -when the person who wants to end it ends it they just get to walk away. They don't have to see that person in their misery every day or hear how terribly they miss that person, or feel how awful they feel. It also reminds me of Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep [Blade Runner] with their empathy boxes. I would love it, LOVE IT, if Bob was able to feel just how I'm feeling. To know just how happy he made me and how hard it was for me to even get there, just for him to drop me like a bad habit. -And with that said, he dropped me, but still smokes! Either I'm not as addictive or he sees the long-terms effects of me worse than lung cancer.

     NO! YOU [he] [should] HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF WHAT YOU [he] CREATED!!! Or I will stalk you on your wedding night and rip out your bride's heart....sorry, I won't actually  just in preparation for having to read it this semester I watched the newer movie version and that's what happened....um, spoiler alter....

     You all should know me well enough by now that you know I'll just sit at home and wallow in my own pity whilst blogging about it or FBing about it or make a YouTube video about it. He actually thought that I was going to possibly drive to his place and stalk him or his gf or something just because I saw on his FB that he had a gf. --Um, do not act like I created another FB account JUST to spy on yours and then hacked you accounts to find out your inner most secrets and such. I just missed your stupid fucking face so I went to your FB page and happened to see you're in a relationship.....Jesus Christ. I LOVE it how people can make something which it totally isn't.

     A guy once asked me why girls would key a guys car and I told him, "Well if you emotionally hurt a girl since she knows that you [men] tend to cling to your ]their] possessions, she will hurt what you love, just as you hurt her." <---basic because="" broke="" car....i="" everyone="" going="" he="" him="" his="" human="" i="" if="" key="" like...="" m="" psychology="" simply="" so="" sure.="" that="" to="" told="" up="" was="" we="" when="">that's
 what you took away from that....thanks. Glad it's over if you took that conversation like that."
People only hear what they want to hear and only see what their small minds can handle.

Mystery Flowers!

A Secret Admirer sent me flowers today at HuHot!

I've never gotten anything on Valentine's Day before. I am pretty happy about it -as happy as I can be without knowing who they're from. But in the same breath I don't really know how to feel about it because I don't know who they're from. I know that sounds ridiculous, but think about it this way:

What if they're from one of my ex's who, yes, is just trying to be sweet, but in saying how happy I am about getting the flowers he thinks that he may have another chance with me or something. Or what if they're from a married guy who just feels bad about Bob kicking me to the curb -so then I can't say who they're from bc I don't want people to get the wrong idea, but I kinda want to tell people that it was just from a friend doing something nice....

Ooooor Elijah Wood saw my video this morning and found out where I worked and paid 3x the amount to get these rush sent to me by the time I worked!!!! *fingers crossed*

All I'm saying is -I just wanna know if I have to buy pepper spray or shave my legs....

No Pants Necessary!!

Stephanie Hoover, "I didn't know if you wanted to be handing out your juice pouches to men!! I wasn't sure where you were with your masculinity!!!"<--still 3="" at="" especially="" hell="" hilarious....even="" in="" morning.="" mother-fucking="" p="" the="">
.....I like my cave [of solitude]. It's nice in here. I can be social WHILE being anti-social. The best of both worlds really.....and I don't have to wear pants!

Bruno Mars, how I love thee, let me count the ways....

I'm such a sap...

Okay, I finally watched Pitch Perfect. No, I'm not in love, but I did like it quite a bit. And now, finally at that, I am in love with the Bruno Mars song "Just the Way You Are" and I want some man to sing it to me whilst professing his undying love for me. *fingers crossed* Come on Elijah Wood!!!

It probably doesn't help that I've been conditioned to link Bruno Mars and marriage together because of that lip dubbed proposal video either. -Don't know what I'm talking about? Here ya go: Isaac's Live Lip-Dub Proposal I'm totally in love with this video. I could watch it on repeat...for hours. What am I talking about, could.....I DO!

Bruno Mars is great -I'm coming to find. Yes, I'm a bit late, but I have this tendency to hate ANYTHING (and everything, I would supposed) that everyone automatically likes. I instantly think "SHEEP!!! YOU'RE ALL SHEEP!!! LIKING SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE LIKES IT!!!!" And then I finally give it a chance and go, "Oh, that's what that was about....okay. I can like that too."

I mean, Bruno Mars will catch a grenade for me. 

He likes me just the way I are [am, hehe]. 

He asks me if it feels good [babe], which means he's considerate of my wants and desires and not just his. 

He's gunna put his love spell on me and my eager bunny self. 

Then he's gunna take a day to not do anything [which any college student can respect and admire]. 

He even thinks he's gunna marry me, which is a bit sudden, but I can take the compliment. 

And not only that, but he wants me back so bad that he'll talk to the moon in hopes of finding me -the last guy wouldn't even text me back that he missed me! Apparently I was smothering him by breathing! Not Bruno though! 

I am however, a little concerned about his liquor store blues....if it becomes a problem I may have to check him into rehab. But then again, we all have our vices. Mine's Mt. Dew! 

After that Bruno likes to remind me that I can, in fact, count on him....like 1, 2, 3 -especially if I get stuck in the middle of the sea or in the dark....so that's reassuring. Most guys won't even pick me up for a date. They want to meet some place. Bruno's gunna pick me up in the middle of the fucking sea! -Fuck, I didn't listen that far into the song...."that's what friends are supposed to do?" Crap. Bruno just Friend-Zoned me. That sonuvabitch!!! 

I'm not sure wtf he's doing "on the other side" though. I feel like this is a trap.....like, he's trying to get everyone to "drink the punch...." if ya know what I mean. I think he's been watching a bit too much Romeo and Juliet. I ain't dying for no one! Oh Bruno...I think your alcohol induced issues have finally caught up to you, because now I'm pretty sure you've died and you want me to join you. Maybe he took the "till death do us part" back when I married him a couple tracks ago a bit too seriously??

Soooo, who wants to sing me "Just the Way You Are??" Eh? Ehhhh???? No? Nobody? Really. DAMN!

My Sentiments Exactly!!

Be My Sculpture!!!!

"The reason he wanted to finish it was he had fallen in love with the sculpture. The more he worked on it, the more it changed, until it no longer resembled Aphrodite at all.
At the very moment Pygmalion stepped away from the finished sculpture, Aphrodite appeared and told him to choose his bride. Pygmalion chose the statue. Aphrodite told him that could not be, and asked him again to choose a bride. Pygmalion put his arms around the statue, and asked Aphrodite to turn him into a statue so he could be with her. Aphrodite took pity on him and brought the statue to life instead."

Totally reminds me of The Notebook, "If I'm a bird, you're a bird. Say you're a bird."
....you're a sculpture, I'm a sculpture! =) hehehehe

Pity and Men. I Blame the God[desse]s

This is why men think pity will eventually wear a girl down:

"Pygmalion was a sculptor who had never found a woman worthy of his love. Aphrodite took pity on him and decided to show him the wonders of love."

DAMN YOU APHRODITE!!!

I'm Pretty Sure This is How the First BLOW JOB Came About....

I was reading up on Aphrodite and I just got sucked into the story. I came across this:

".....Only the goddess Eris (Discord) was not invited, but she arrived with agolden apple inscribed with the word kallistēi ("to the fairest one"), which she threw among the goddesses. Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena all claimed to be the fairest, and thus the rightful owner of the apple.

The goddesses chose to place the matter before Zeus, who, not wanting to favor one of the goddesses, put the choice into the hands of Paris. After bathing in the spring of Mount Ida (where Troy was situated), the goddesses appeared before Paris. Paris, having been given permission by Zeus to set any conditions he saw fit, required the goddesses to undress and allow him to see them naked. (Another version of the myth says the goddesses themselves chose to undress.) Still, Paris could not decide, as all three were ideally beautiful, so the goddesses resorted to bribes."

And I instantly thought, "Yup. Blow job contest!"

I know. I'm a terrible person. Super dirty minded. I blame society!

Caring is Overrated....

Epiphany!!!

So. I've come to realize why I'm so upset about the recent Bob-failure. It's because I put everything I had into it [us]. And I've found that I do that with a lot of things in my life. 

I do it with my schoolwork, my family and friends, my work, my home, my writing, how I think and feel...everything. I put every bit of me into everything that I do. So that's why it hurts so much when things fall apart, when I don't get the grades I expected, when there are problems or someone lets me down, when someone gets promoted or makes more than me, or when more people aren't appreciative of what I've created, and I am always trying to figure out why I feel what I feel.

Well all that's going to change!

I am tired of putting so much in to everything that I touch and barely getting anything to show for it! From now on I'm going to half-ass everything and not give a FUCK! 

See this? This is me not giving A FUCK! Not one. I even threw some whore-red lipstick on because that's just how much I wasn't giving as far as fucks were concerned.

If I keep this up [caring that is] this world will bleed me dry. I just need to shrug my shoulder a lot and throw my hands up in the air and pay no mind if I happen to throw the baby out with the bath-water. right? 

Gypsys Melting Pot Page

Gypsys Melting Pot

Um, this page is amazing. How have I not come across it before? I just wanna make things and use things for what they aren't made for. And here I thought I was creative. You all should go on your FB and like this page and make things and eat these things. 

....I would, but I have hw....and clearly I'm doing a bang-up job procrastinating doing any of it. 

Tattoo Junkie

My Tattoos:

This was my first one. Done at Big River Tattoo in Davenport Iowa by Dave.

Yes, it goes all the way around my ankle. I was 18.

My bracelet to match my anklet. Also done at Big River Tattoo by Dave.

I was 19.

The back of my neck. It means Falling Angel. It's from and Aerosmith song,

"Fallen Angels." Also Big River Tattoo by Dave.

I was 21.

Happy Bunny. Cute But Evil. Basically it's my "warning label." 

My running joke is, "You wouldn't drink something that said poison would ya?"

Big River Tattoo by Dave.

I was 21.

  Angry Princess. From the movie 13 Ghosts.

"The Angry Princess - The Angry Princess is the ghost of Dana Newman, who had the natural beauty of a goddess but the inability to recognize it. By her early 20s, a string of abusive boyfriends led her into a downward spiral of self-loathing. Her desperate search for perfection led her to find employment with a plastic surgeon, where her wage was paid in nose jobs, breast implants and other procedures. One night at the clinic, Dana tried to perform surgery on herself. The unorthodox procedure went horribly wrong and she was left blind in one eye. She committed suicide in the bathtub by slashing herself with a butcher knife until her veins ran dry. When she was discovered, people said she was as beautiful in death as she was in life. Her ghost is naked, holding the same knife she killed herself with, showing all the wounds. Her cell is covered in blood."

Jesse Diller from Meno's Ink did this one.

I was 28.

This goes along with my Real Women of the Quad Cities page/mission.

This is a journal I bought from Barnes and Noble YEARS ago and I've always loved it.

I think it looks amazing and I love everything in this journal [there're quotes and such in it] 

And of course I love writing so it constantly reminds me of my journal and my writing!

I've also loved archery throughout high school and I'm not going to buy a bow and arrow

and take up archery. So many people get a gun and go shooting. Me, I'm gunna be a little different!

Jesse Diller from Meno's Ink did this one also.

I was 28.

And stayed turned for the other few I'm getting here soon. I need to make up for lost time and tattoos! I clearly used to get one each year from 18-21....then I got poor! So let's see....I made up for 22, 23..now I'm onto 24 and 25! I already have 26 and 27 planned out too! 

#Tattoo Junkie